Four_MC or_CC five_MC years_NNT2 after_CS we_PPIS2 got_VVD married_VVN ,_, Your_APPGE Honor_NN1 ,_, S._NP1 and_CC I_PPIS1 were_VBDR invited_VVN to_II a_AT1 dinner_NN1 party_NN1 at_II the_AT home_NN1 of_IO a_AT1 German_JJ dancer_NN1 ,_, who_PNQS was_VBDZ then_RT living_VVG in_II New_NP1 York_NP1 ._. 
At_II the_AT time_NNT1 ,_, S._NP1 worked_VVD at_II a_AT1 theatre_NN1 where_RRQ the_AT dancer_NN1 was_VBDZ performing_VVG a_AT1 solo_NN1 piece_NN1 ._. 
The_AT apartment_NN1 was_VBDZ small_JJ and_CC filled_VVN with_IW the_AT dancer_NN1 's_GE unusual_JJ possessions_NN2 ,_, things_NN2 he_PPHS1 had_VHD been_VBN given_VVN or_CC had_VHD found_VVN on_II the_AT street_NN1 or_CC during_II his_APPGE tireless_JJ travels_NN2 ,_, all_RR arranged_VVN with_IW the_AT sense_NN1 of_IO space_NN1 ,_, proportion_NN1 ,_, timing_NN1 ,_, and_CC grace_NN1 that_CST made_VVD him_PPHO1 such_DA a_AT1 joy_NN1 to_TO watch_VVI onstage_JJ ._. 
In_II fact_NN1 ,_, it_PPH1 was_VBDZ strange_JJ and_CC almost_RR frustrating_JJ to_TO see_VVI the_AT dancer_NN1 in_II street_NN1 clothes_NN2 and_CC brown_JJ house_NN1 slippers_NN2 ,_, moving_VVG so_RG practically_RR through_II his_APPGE apartment_NN1 ,_, with_IW little_JJ or_CC no_AT sign_NN1 of_IO the_AT tremendous_JJ physical_JJ talent_NN1 that_CST lay_VVD dormant_JJ in_II him_PPHO1 ._. 
All_RR31 the_RR32 same_RR33 ,_, once_CS I_PPIS1 got_VVD used_JJ to_II this_DD1 and_CC began_VVD examining_VVG his_APPGE many_DA2 little_JJ collections_NN2 I_PPIS1 had_VHD the_AT elated_JJ ,_, otherworldly_JJ feeling_NN1 I_PPIS1 sometimes_RT get_VV0 when_CS entering_VVG the_AT sphere_NN1 of_IO another_DD1 's_VBZ life_NN1 ,_, when_CS for_IF a_AT1 moment_NN1 changing_VVG my_APPGE banal_JJ habits_NN2 and_CC living_VVG like_II that_DD1 seems_VVZ entirely_RR possible_JJ ,_, a_AT1 feeling_NN1 that_CST always_RR dissolves_VVZ the_AT next_MD morning_NNT1 ,_, when_CS I_PPIS1 wake_VV0 up_II21 to_II22 the_AT familiar_JJ ,_, unmovable_JJ shapes_NN2 of_IO my_APPGE own_DA life_NN1 ._. 
At_II some_DD point_NN1 I_PPIS1 got_VVD up_RP from_II the_AT dinner_NN1 table_NN1 to_TO use_VVI the_AT bathroom_NN1 ,_, and_CC in_II the_AT hall_NN1 I_PPIS1 passed_VVD the_AT open_JJ door_NN1 of_IO the_AT dancer_NN1 's_GE bedroom_NN1 ._. 
The_AT room_NN1 was_VBDZ spare_JJ ,_, with_IW only_RR a_AT1 bed_NN1 and_CC a_AT1 wooden_JJ chair_NN1 and_CC a_AT1 little_JJ altar_NN1 with_IW candles_NN2 set_VVN up_RP in_II one_MC1 corner_NN1 ._. 
There_EX was_VBDZ a_AT1 large_JJ window_NN1 facing_VVG south_ND1 ,_, through_II which_DDQ lower_VV0 Manhattan_NP1 hung_VVD suspended_VVN in_II the_AT dark_NN1 ._. 
The_AT walls_NN2 were_VBDR blank_JJ except_II21 for_II22 one_MC1 painting_NN1 that_CST was_VBDZ tacked_VVN up_RP with_IW pins_NN2 ,_, a_AT1 vibrant_JJ picture_NN1 out_II21 of_II22 whose_DDQGE many_DA2 bright_JJ ,_, high-spirited_NN1 strokes_VVZ several_DA2 faces_NN2 emerged_VVD ,_, as_CS21 if_CS22 from_II a_AT1 bog_NN1 ,_, now_RT and_CC then_RT topped_VVN with_IW a_AT1 hat_NN1 ._. 
The_AT faces_NN2 on_II the_AT top_JJ half_NN1 of_IO the_AT paper_NN1 were_VBDR upside_RL21 down_RL22 ,_, as_CS21 if_CS22 the_AT painter_NN1 had_VHD turned_VVN the_AT page_NN1 around_RP or_CC circled_VVD it_PPH1 on_II his_APPGE or_CC her_APPGE knees_NN2 while_CS painting_NN1 ,_, in_BCL21 order_BCL22 to_TO reach_VVI more_RGR easily_RR ._. 
It_PPH1 was_VBDZ a_AT1 strange_JJ piece_NN1 of_IO work_NN1 ,_, unlike_II the_AT style_NN1 of_IO the_AT other_JJ things_NN2 the_AT dancer_NN1 had_VHD collected_VVN ,_, and_CC I_PPIS1 studied_VVD it_PPH1 for_IF a_AT1 minute_NNT1 or_CC two_MC before_II continuing_VVG on_RP to_II the_AT bathroom_NN1 ._. 
The_AT fire_NN1 in_II the_AT living_NN1 room_NN1 burned_VVD down_RP ;_; the_AT night_NNT1 progressed_VVD ._. 
At_II the_AT end_NN1 ,_, as_CSA we_PPIS2 were_VBDR putting_VVG on_II our_APPGE coats_NN2 ,_, I_PPIS1 surprised_VVD myself_PPX1 by_II asking_VVG the_AT dancer_NN1 who_PNQS had_VHD made_VVN the_AT painting_NN1 ._. 
He_PPHS1 told_VVD me_PPIO1 that_CST his_APPGE best_JJT friend_NN1 from_II childhood_NN1 had_VHD done_VDN it_PPH1 when_CS he_PPHS1 was_VBDZ nine_MC ._. 
My_APPGE friend_NN1 and_CC his_APPGE older_JJR sister_NN1 ,_, he_PPHS1 said_VVD ,_, though_CS I_PPIS1 think_VV0 she_PPHS1 did_VDD most_DAT of_IO it_PPH1 ._. 
Afterward_RL ,_, they_PPHS2 gave_VVD it_PPH1 to_II me_PPIO1 ._. 
The_AT dancer_NN1 helped_VVD me_PPIO1 on_RP with_IW my_APPGE coat_NN1 ._. 
You_PPY know_VV0 ,_, that_DD1 painting_NN1 has_VHZ a_AT1 sad_JJ story_NN1 ,_, he_PPHS1 added_VVD a_AT1 moment_NN1 later_RRR ,_, almost_RR as_II an_AT1 afterthought_NN1 ._. 
One_MC1 afternoon_NNT1 ,_, the_AT mother_NN1 gave_VVD the_AT children_NN2 sleeping_VVG pills_NN2 in_II their_APPGE tea_NN1 ._. 
The_AT boy_NN1 was_VBDZ nine_MC and_CC his_APPGE sister_NN1 was_VBDZ eleven_MC ._. 
Once_CS they_PPHS2 were_VBDR asleep_JJ ,_, she_PPHS1 carried_VVD them_PPHO2 to_II the_AT car_NN1 and_CC drove_VVD out_RP to_II the_AT forest_NN1 ._. 
By_II this_DD1 time_NNT1 ,_, it_PPH1 was_VBDZ getting_VVG dark_NN1 ._. 
She_PPHS1 poured_VVD gasoline_NN1 all_RR over_II the_AT car_NN1 and_CC lit_VVD a_AT1 match_NN1 ._. 
All_DB three_MC burned_VVD to_II death_NN1 ._. 
It_PPH1 's_VBZ hard_JJ to_TO explain_VVI ,_, the_AT dancer_NN1 said_VVD ,_, but_CCB I_PPIS1 was_VBDZ always_RR jealous_JJ of_IO how_RRQ things_NN2 were_VBDR at_II my_APPGE friend_NN1 's_GE house_NN1 ._. 
That_DD1 year_NNT1 they_PPHS2 kept_VVD their_APPGE Christmas_NNT1 tree_NN1 up_II21 until_II22 April_NPM1 ._. 
It_PPH1 turned_VVD brown_JJ and_CC the_AT needles_NN2 were_VBDR dropping_VVG off_RP ,_, but_CCB many_DA2 times_NNT2 I_PPIS1 nagged_VVD my_APPGE mother_NN1 about_II why_RRQ we_PPIS2 could_VM n't_XX keep_VVI our_APPGE Christmas_NNT1 tree_NN1 up_RP as_CS31 long_CS32 as_CS33 they_PPHS2 did_VDD at_II John_NP1 's_GE ._. 
I_PPIS1 continued_VVD to_TO write_VVI ._. 
I_PPIS1 wrote_VVD my_APPGE fourth_MD novel_NN1 ,_, and_CC then_RT a_AT1 fifth_MD ,_, which_DDQ was_VBDZ largely_RR based_VVN on_II my_APPGE father_NN1 ,_, who_PNQS had_VHD died_VVN the_AT year_NNT1 before_RT ._. 
It_PPH1 was_VBDZ a_AT1 novel_NN1 that_CST I_PPIS1 could_VM not_XX have_VHI written_VVN while_CS he_PPHS1 was_VBDZ alive_JJ ._. 
Had_VHD he_PPHS1 been_VBN able_JK to_TO read_VVI it_PPH1 ,_, I_PPIS1 have_VH0 little_RR doubt_VV0 that_CST he_PPHS1 would_VM have_VHI felt_VVN betrayed_JJ ._. 
Toward_II the_AT end_NN1 of_IO his_APPGE life_NN1 ,_, he_PPHS1 lost_VVD control_NN1 of_IO his_APPGE body_NN1 and_CC was_VBDZ abandoned_VVN by_II his_APPGE dignity_NN1 ,_, something_PN1 he_PPHS1 remained_VVD painfully_RR aware_JJ of_IO until_CS his_APPGE final_JJ days_NNT2 ._. 
In_II the_AT novel_NN1 ,_, I_PPIS1 chronicled_VVD these_DD2 humiliations_NN2 in_II vivid_JJ detail_NN1 ,_, even_RR the_AT time_NNT1 he_PPHS1 defecated_VVD in_II his_APPGE pants_NN2 and_CC I_PPIS1 had_VHD to_TO clean_VVI him_PPHO1 ,_, an_AT1 incident_NN1 he_PPHS1 found_VVD so_RG shameful_JJ that_CST for_IF many_DA2 days_NNT2 afterward_RL he_PPHS1 was_VBDZ unable_JK to_TO look_VVI me_PPIO1 in_II the_AT eye_NN1 ,_, and_CC which_DDQ ,_, it_PPH1 goes_VVZ without_IW saying_VVG ,_, he_PPHS1 would_VM have_VHI pleaded_VVN with_IW me_PPIO1 ,_, if_CS he_PPHS1 could_VM have_VHI brought_VVN himself_PPX1 to_TO speak_VVI of_IO it_PPH1 ,_, never_RR to_TO mention_VVI to_II anyone_PN1 ._. 
But_CCB I_PPIS1 did_VDD not_XX stop_VVI at_II these_DD2 torturous_JJ ,_, intimate_JJ scenes_NN2 ,_, scenes_NN2 that_CST ,_, could_VM my_APPGE father_NN1 momentarily_RR suspend_VVI his_APPGE sense_NN1 of_IO shame_NN1 ,_, he_PPHS1 might_VM have_VHI acknowledged_VVN as_CSA reflecting_VVG less_RRR on_II him_PPHO1 than_CSN on_II the_AT universal_JJ plight_NN1 of_IO growing_JJ old_JJ and_CC facing_VVG one_PN1 's_GE death_NN1 --_NN1 I_PPIS1 did_VDD not_XX stop_VVI there_RL ,_, but_CCB instead_RR took_VVD his_APPGE illness_NN1 and_CC his_APPGE suffering_NN1 ,_, with_IW all_DB its_APPGE pungent_JJ detail_NN1 ,_, and_CC finally_RR even_RR his_APPGE death_NN1 ,_, as_CSA an_AT1 opportunity_NN1 to_TO write_VVI about_II his_APPGE life_NN1 and_CC ,_, more_RGR specifically_RR ,_, about_II his_APPGE failings_NN2 ,_, as_CSA both_RR a_AT1 person_NN1 and_CC a_AT1 father_NN1 ,_, failings_NN2 whose_DDQGE precise_JJ and_CC abundant_JJ detail_NN1 could_VM be_VBI ascribed_VVN to_II him_PPHO1 alone_RR ._. 
I_PPIS1 paraded_VVD his_APPGE faults_NN2 and_CC my_APPGE misgivings_NN2 ,_, the_AT high_JJ drama_NN1 of_IO my_APPGE young_JJ life_NN1 with_IW him_PPHO1 ,_, thinly_RR disguised_VVN (_( mostly_RR by_II exaggeration_NN1 )_) across_II the_AT pages_NN2 of_IO that_DD1 book_NN1 ._. 
I_PPIS1 gave_VVD unforgiving_JJ descriptions_NN2 of_IO his_APPGE crimes_NN2 as_CSA I_PPIS1 saw_VVD them_PPHO2 ,_, and_CC then_RT I_PPIS1 forgave_VVD him_PPHO1 ._. 
And_CC yet_RR ,_, even_CS21 if_CS22 ,_, in_II the_AT end_NN1 ,_, it_PPH1 was_VBDZ all_DB done_VDN for_IF the_AT sake_NN1 of_IO hard-won_JJ compassion_NN1 ,_, even_CS21 if_CS22 the_AT final_JJ notes_NN2 of_IO the_AT book_NN1 were_VBDR of_IO triumphant_JJ love_NN1 and_CC grief_NN1 at_II the_AT loss_NN1 of_IO him_PPHO1 ,_, in_II the_AT weeks_NNT2 and_CC months_NNT2 leading_VVG up_II21 to_II22 its_APPGE publication_NN1 a_AT1 sickening_JJ feeling_NN1 sometimes_RT took_VVD hold_NN1 of_IO me_PPIO1 and_CC dumped_VVD its_APPGE blackness_NN1 before_II moving_VVG on_RP ._. 
In_II the_AT publicity_NN1 interviews_NN2 I_PPIS1 gave_VVD ,_, I_PPIS1 emphasized_VVD that_CST the_AT book_NN1 was_VBDZ fiction_NN1 and_CC professed_VVD my_APPGE frustration_NN1 with_IW journalists_NN2 and_CC readers_NN2 alike_RR who_PNQS insist_VV0 on_II reading_VVG novels_NN2 as_II the_AT autobiographies_NN2 of_IO their_APPGE authors_NN2 ,_, as_CS21 if_CS22 there_EX were_VBDR no_AT such_DA thing_NN1 as_II the_AT writer_NN1 's_GE imagination_NN1 ,_, as_CS21 if_CS22 the_AT writer_NN1 's_GE work_NN1 lay_VVD only_RR in_II dutiful_JJ chronicling_NN1 and_CC not_XX in_II fierce_JJ invention_NN1 ._. 
I_PPIS1 championed_VVD the_AT writer_NN1 's_GE freedom_NN1 --_NN1 to_TO create_VVI ,_, to_TO alter_VVI and_CC amend_VVI ,_, to_TO collapse_VVI and_CC expand_VVI ,_, to_TO ascribe_VVI meaning_NN1 ,_, to_TO design_VVI ,_, to_TO perform_VVI ,_, to_TO affect_VVI ,_, to_TO choose_VVI a_AT1 life_NN1 ,_, to_TO experiment_VVI ,_, and_CC on_RP and_CC on_II --_NN1 and_CC quoted_VVD Henry_NP1 James_NP1 on_II the_AT "_" immense_JJ increase_NN1 "_" of_IO that_DD1 freedom_NN1 ,_, a_AT1 "_" revelation_NN1 ,_, "_" as_CSA he_PPHS1 calls_VVZ it_PPH1 ,_, that_CST anyone_PN1 who_PNQS has_VHZ made_VVN a_AT1 serious_JJ artistic_JJ attempt_NN1 can_VM not_XX help_VVI but_CCB become_VV0 conscious_JJ of_IO ._. 
Yes_UH ,_, with_IW the_AT novel_NN1 based_VVN on_II my_APPGE father_NN1 if_CS not_XX flying_VVG then_RT at_RR21 least_RR22 migrating_VVG off_II the_AT shelves_NN2 in_II bookstores_NN2 across_II the_AT country_NN1 ,_, I_PPIS1 celebrated_VVD the_AT writer_NN1 's_GE unparalleled_JJ freedom_NN1 ,_, freedom_NN1 from_II responsibility_NN1 to_II anything_PN1 and_CC anyone_PN1 but_CCB her_APPGE own_DA instincts_NN2 and_CC vision_NN1 ._. 
Perhaps_RR I_PPIS1 did_VDD not_XX exactly_RR say_VVI but_CCB certainly_RR implied_VVN that_CST the_AT writer_NN1 serves_VVZ a_AT1 higher_JJR calling_NN1 ,_, what_DDQ one_PN1 refers_VVZ to_II only_RR in_II art_NN1 and_CC religion_NN1 as_II a_AT1 vocation_NN1 ,_, and_CC can_VM not_XX worry_VVI too_RG much_DA1 about_II the_AT feelings_NN2 of_IO those_DD2 whose_DDQGE lives_NN2 she_PPHS1 borrows_VVZ from_II ._. 
Yes_UH ,_, I_PPIS1 believed_VVD --_JJ perhaps_RR even_RR still_RR believe_VV0 --_JJ that_CST the_AT writer_NN1 should_VM not_XX be_VBI cramped_VVN by_II the_AT possible_JJ consequences_NN2 of_IO her_APPGE work_NN1 ._. 
She_PPHS1 has_VHZ no_AT duty_NN1 to_II earthly_JJ accuracy_NN1 or_CC verisimilitude_NN1 ._. 
She_PPHS1 is_VBZ not_XX an_AT1 accountant_NN1 ,_, nor_CC is_VBZ she_PPHS1 required_VVN to_TO be_VBI something_PN1 as_RG ridiculous_JJ and_CC misguided_JJ as_II a_AT1 moral_JJ compass_NN1 ._. 
In_II her_APPGE work_NN1 ,_, the_AT writer_NN1 is_VBZ free_JJ of_IO laws_NN2 ._. 
But_CCB in_II her_APPGE life_NN1 ,_, Your_APPGE Honor_NN1 ,_, she_PPHS1 is_VBZ not_XX free_JJ ._. 
Some_DD months_NNT2 after_II the_AT novel_NN1 about_II my_APPGE father_NN1 was_VBDZ published_VVN ,_, I_PPIS1 was_VBDZ out_RP walking_VVG and_CC came_VVD to_II a_AT1 bookstore_NN1 near_II Washington_NP1 Square_NNL1 Park_NN1 ._. 
Out_II21 of_II22 habit_NN1 ,_, I_PPIS1 slowed_VVD as_CSA I_PPIS1 reached_VVD the_AT window_NN1 to_TO see_VVI whether_CSW my_APPGE book_NN1 was_VBDZ on_II display_NN1 ._. 
At_II that_DD1 moment_NN1 ,_, I_PPIS1 saw_VVD the_AT dancer_NN1 inside_RL at_II the_AT register_NN1 ,_, he_PPHS1 saw_VVD me_PPIO1 ,_, and_CC we_PPIS2 locked_VVD eyes_NN2 ._. 
For_IF a_AT1 second_NNT1 ,_, I_PPIS1 considered_VVD hurrying_VVG on_II my_APPGE way_NN1 ,_, though_CS I_PPIS1 could_VM n't_XX have_VHI said_VVN exactly_RR what_DDQ it_PPH1 was_VBDZ that_CST made_VVD me_PPIO1 so_RG uneasy_JJ ._. 
But_CCB this_DD1 quickly_RR became_VVD impossible_JJ ;_; the_AT dancer_NN1 raised_VVD his_APPGE hand_NN1 in_II greeting_NN1 ,_, and_CC all_DB I_PPIS1 could_VM do_VDI was_VBDZ wait_NN1 for_IF him_PPHO1 to_TO get_VVI his_APPGE change_NN1 and_CC come_VVI out_RP to_TO say_VVI hello_UH ._. 
As_CSA I_PPIS1 made_VVD my_APPGE way_NN1 home_RL ,_, the_AT dancer_NN1 's_GE gesture_NN1 first_MD baffled_JJ and_CC then_RT annoyed_VVD me_PPIO1 ._. 
On_II the_AT surface_NN1 ,_, it_PPH1 had_VHD been_VBN easy_JJ to_TO mistake_VVI for_IF tenderness_NN1 ,_, but_CCB the_AT more_RRR I_PPIS1 thought_VVD about_II it_PPH1 the_AT more_RRR there_RL seemed_VVD to_TO be_VBI something_PN1 condescending_JJ in_II it_PPH1 ,_, even_RR meant_VVN to_TO humiliate_VVI ._. 
In_II my_APPGE mind_NN1 ,_, the_AT dancer_NN1 's_GE smile_NN1 became_VVD less_RRR and_CC less_RGR genuine_JJ ,_, and_CC it_PPH1 began_VVD to_TO seem_VVI to_II me_PPIO1 that_CST he_PPHS1 had_VHD been_VBN choreographing_VVG the_AT gesture_NN1 for_IF years_NNT2 ,_, turning_VVG it_PPH1 over_RP ,_, waiting_VVG to_TO run_VVI into_II me_PPIO1 ._. 
And_CC was_VBDZ it_PPH1 deserved_VVN ?_? 
Had_VHD n't_XX he_PPHS1 gamely_RR told_VVN the_AT story_NN1 ,_, not_XX only_RR to_II me_PPIO1 but_CCB to_II all_DB of_IO the_AT dinner_NN1 guests_NN2 that_DD1 night_NNT1 ?_? 
If_CS I_PPIS1 had_VHD discovered_VVN it_PPH1 through_II surreptitious_JJ means_NN --_NN1 reading_VVG his_APPGE journals_NN2 or_CC letters_NN2 ,_, which_DDQ I_PPIS1 could_VM n't_XX possibly_RR have_VHI done_VDN ,_, knowing_VVG him_PPHO1 as_RG little_DA1 as_CSA I_PPIS1 did_VDD --_NN1 it_PPH1 would_VM have_VHI been_VBN different_JJ ._. 
Or_CC if_CS he_PPHS1 had_VHD told_VVN me_PPIO1 the_AT story_NN1 in_II confidence_NN1 ,_, filled_VVN with_IW still_RR painful_JJ emotion_NN1 ._. 
But_CCB he_PPHS1 had_VHD not_XX ._. 
He_PPHS1 had_VHD offered_VVN it_PPH1 with_IW the_AT same_DA smile_NN1 and_CC festivity_NN1 with_IW which_DDQ he_PPHS1 had_VHD offered_VVN us_PPIO2 a_AT1 glass_NN1 of_IO grappa_NN1 after_II dinner_NN1 ._. 
As_CSA I_PPIS1 walked_VVD ,_, I_PPIS1 happened_VVD to_TO pass_VVI a_AT1 playground_NN1 ._. 
It_PPH1 was_VBDZ already_RR late_JJ in_II the_AT afternoon_NNT1 ,_, but_CCB the_AT small_JJ fenced-in_JJ area_NN1 was_VBDZ full_JJ of_IO the_AT children_NN2 's_GE high-pitched_JJ activity_NN1 ._. 
Among_II the_AT many_DA2 apartments_NN2 I_PPIS1 'd_VHD lived_VVN in_RP over_II the_AT years_NNT2 ,_, one_PN1 was_VBDZ across_II the_AT street_NN1 from_II a_AT1 playground_NN1 and_CC I_PPIS1 'd_VM always_RR noticed_VVN that_CST in_II the_AT last_MD half_DB hour_NNT1 before_II dusk_NNT1 the_AT children_NN2 's_GE voices_NN2 seemed_VVD to_TO get_VVI noisier_JJR ._. 
I_PPIS1 could_VM never_RR tell_VVI whether_CSW it_PPH1 was_VBDZ because_CS the_AT city_NN1 ,_, in_II the_AT failing_JJ light_NN1 ,_, had_VHD grown_VVN a_AT1 decibel_NNU1 quieter_JJR or_CC because_CS the_AT children_NN2 had_VHD grown_VVN louder_RRR ,_, knowing_VVG that_CST their_APPGE time_NNT1 there_EX was_VBDZ almost_RR through_RP ._. 
Certain_JJ phrases_NN2 or_CC peals_NN2 of_IO laughter_NN1 would_VM break_VVI away_II21 from_II22 the_AT rest_NN1 ,_, rising_VVG up_RP ,_, and_CC hearing_VVG one_MC1 of_IO these_DD2 I_PPIS1 would_VM sometimes_RT get_VVI up_RP from_II my_APPGE desk_NN1 to_TO watch_VVI the_AT children_NN2 below_RL ._. 
But_CCB I_PPIS1 did_VDD n't_XX stop_VVI to_TO watch_VVI them_PPHO2 now_RT ._. 
Consumed_VVN by_II my_APPGE run-in_NN1 with_IW the_AT dancer_NN1 ,_, I_PPIS1 barely_RR noticed_VVD them_PPHO2 ,_, until_CS a_AT1 cry_NN1 rang_VVD out_RP ,_, pained_JJ and_CC terrified_JJ ,_, an_AT1 agonizing_JJ child_NN1 's_GE cry_NN1 that_CST tore_VVD into_II me_PPIO1 ,_, as_CS21 if_CS22 it_PPH1 were_VBDR an_AT1 appeal_NN1 to_II me_PPIO1 alone_RR ._. 
I_PPIS1 stopped_VVD short_JJ and_CC jerked_VVD around_RP ,_, sure_JJ that_CST I_PPIS1 was_VBDZ going_VVGK to_TO find_VVI a_AT1 mangled_JJ child_NN1 fallen_VVN from_II a_AT1 terrible_JJ height_NN1 ._. 
But_CCB there_EX was_VBDZ nothing_PN1 ,_, only_RR the_AT children_NN2 running_VVG in_RP and_CC out_II21 of_II22 their_APPGE circles_NN2 and_CC games_NN2 ,_, and_CC no_AT sign_NN1 of_IO where_RRQ the_AT cry_NN1 had_VHD come_VVN from_II ._. 
My_APPGE heart_NN1 was_VBDZ racing_VVG ,_, adrenaline_VV0 coursing_VVG through_II me_PPIO1 ,_, my_APPGE whole_NN1 being_VBG poised_VVN to_TO rush_VVI to_TO save_VVI whoever_PNQV had_VHD let_VVN loose_JJ that_DD1 terrible_JJ scream_NN1 ._. 
But_CCB the_AT children_NN2 continued_VVD to_TO play_VVI ,_, unalarmed_JJ ._. 
I_PPIS1 scanned_VVD the_AT buildings_NN2 above_RL ,_, thinking_VVG that_CST maybe_RR the_AT cry_NN1 had_VHD come_VVN from_II an_AT1 open_JJ window_NN1 ,_, though_CS it_PPH1 was_VBDZ November_NPM1 and_CC cold_JJ enough_RR to_TO need_VVI the_AT heat_NN1 ._. 
I_PPIS1 stood_VVD gripping_VVG the_AT fence_NN1 for_IF some_DD time_NNT1 ._. 
I_PPIS1 did_VDD n't_XX tell_VVI anyone_PN1 what_DDQ I_PPIS1 'd_VHD heard_VVN ,_, not_XX even_RR Dr._NNB Lichtman_NP1 ,_, my_APPGE therapist_NN1 of_IO many_DA2 years_NNT2 ._. 
But_CCB the_AT cry_NN1 stayed_VVD with_IW me_PPIO1 ._. 
Sometimes_RT I_PPIS1 'd_VM suddenly_RR hear_VVI it_PPH1 again_RT as_CSA I_PPIS1 wrote_VVD ,_, and_CC would_VM lose_VVI my_APPGE train_NN1 of_IO thought_NN1 or_CC become_VV0 flustered_JJ ._. 
I_PPIS1 began_VVD to_TO sense_VVI in_II it_PPH1 something_PN1 mocking_JJ ,_, an_AT1 undertone_NN1 I_PPIS1 had_VHD not_XX heard_VVN at_RR21 first_RR22 ._. 
Other_JJ times_NNT2 ,_, I_PPIS1 'd_VM hear_VVI the_AT cry_NN1 just_RR as_CSA I_PPIS1 crossed_VVD over_RP into_II wakefulness_NN1 or_CC departed_VVN from_II sleep_NN1 ,_, and_CC on_II those_DD2 mornings_NNT2 I_PPIS1 rose_VVD with_IW the_AT feeling_NN1 of_IO something_PN1 wound_VVD around_RP my_APPGE neck_NN1 ._. 
A_AT1 hidden_JJ weight_NN1 seemed_VVD to_TO attach_VVI itself_PPX1 to_II simple_JJ objects_NN2 --_NN1 a_AT1 teacup_NN1 ,_, a_AT1 doorknob_NN1 ,_, a_AT1 glass_NN1 --_NN1 hardly_RR noticeable_JJ at_RR21 first_RR22 ,_, beyond_II the_AT sense_NN1 that_CST every_AT1 move_NN1 required_VVN a_AT1 slightly_RR greater_JJR exertion_NN1 of_IO energy_NN1 ,_, and_CC by_II the_AT time_NNT1 I_PPIS1 negotiated_VVD among_II these_DD2 things_NN2 and_CC arrived_VVD at_II my_APPGE desk_NN1 some_DD reserve_NN1 in_II me_PPIO1 was_VBDZ already_RR worn_VVN down_RP or_CC washed_VVD away_RL ._. 
That_DD1 cry_NN1 haunted_VVD me_PPIO1 ._. 
And_CC slowly_RR ,_, Your_APPGE Honor_NN1 ,_, I_PPIS1 began_VVD to_TO distrust_VVI myself_PPX1 ._. 
