The Secrets of Happily Married Women: How to Get More Out of Your Relationship by Doing Less
When Rosa and Lucas stepped into my office for our last session, it was obvious that this was one happy couple. There's something in the way that happily married people look at each other and treat each other. They don't wear signs announcing their state of bliss, but still, everyone knows.
But it hadn't started out that way for Rosa and Lucas. At our first meeting, after routine hellos, Rosa began to explain why they had come.
She told me that she had met Lucas during a code blue at a New York City hospital. At the time, she had been a nurse there for three years, and he was a new surgical intern. She had recently ended a previous marriage, so was wary when this mild-mannered doctor struck up a conversation with her and eventually asked her out.
In the early days of their romantic relationship, Lucas was sensitive, warm, and very attentive and loving. This was the kind of man Rosa had been looking for.
"I wanted to know everything about him," she said, "what made him tick, what made him afraid, what made him happy."
Rosa thought she had all the answers by the time they celebrated their wedding day. But, a few months later, she began to get frustrated that Lucas seemed to be more devoted to the hospital than to her. Finally, they ended up having a heated argument over what Rosa called his obsessive dedication to his work, his self-absorption, and his cruel negligence of his wife.
When she finished berating him, she was shocked at the words he threw back at her: "You knew who I was when you married me. Now you want me to change. This is who I am. Why can't you accept that?" How could he make such a hurtful comment and still claim to love her?
"If he really loves me," she said looking at him rather than me, "he'd stop working so much and spend more time with me. Right?"
From Rosa's point of view, the answer was an obvious yes. Either Lucas signs on to work fewer hours or the marriage is over. Rosa was hanging on to an either-or view of how husbands should behave; at that point, she was not a good example of a happily married woman.
So when she came to my office hoping I could save her marriage by making Lucas change, my first step was to introduce her to Secret 1: Know Your Husband. Understand his true nature-and then use that information to your advantage.
THE CORE NATURE OF MEN
By getting to know a man's inborn traits, a woman can enjoy his strengths as well as better understand his weaknesses. At the same time, this knowledge puts her in a position where she can use her mysterious yet wonderful feminine nature to bring out the best in this man she loves.
Of course, in some cases there are things that a man has to agree to change or the marriage may not be able to be saved. If he's shooting heroin, blowing money on scratch tickets, going to strip clubs, or using violence in the household, then the Popeye motto, "I yam who I yam," just doesn't cut it. But in most other cases, any marriage will be a happier one if the husband and wife capitalize on the things that make them "who I am" and make them both feel whole and proud (and focus less on the things that do not!).
In this chapter, we'll take a close look at the nature of a typical male, a nature honed through millennia of biological and societal conditioning, and explore ways that you can both enjoy who he is and gently persuade him to be even better.
Talk Less
Men tend to be very objective in their conversations. They talk about factual stuff like global politics, finances, poker, fishing, and of course sports-all for the purpose of making a definable point as they analyze opponents, strategies, goals, and results. If they have a point to make, they talk only until they've made the point. Good. Done. They've said what they had to say. If they don't have a point to make, they don't talk.
Women, in contrast, tend to be subjective talkers. Their conversations are very often about feelings and about the whole picture of daily events, including descriptions of surrounding details that wander far from the main point, but add rich texture to the story. Sometimes they talk about what men call "nothing." But this kind of talk has a real purpose to women. They talk to build relationships, bond, get to know another person, seek understanding, and offer empathy. That's what having a directionless chat is really all about.
Chatting soothes women's souls, but it drives men crazy. Most women find a man's inability to have a nice conversation without getting fidgety, interrupting, or zoning out horribly frustrating. So what's a couple to do?
Happy couples recognize and accept the differences between male and female communication styles. The wives, especially, let go of the idea that "he could be a better communicator if he wanted to." Certain biological differences suggest that he can't. In fact, one body of research points to the possibility that there may very well be a connection between the way some men struggle with interpersonal communication and the fact that the neurological disorder of autism is four times more likely to affect boys than girls.
Let's take a closer look at the common traits of autism, and you'll see how incredibly male they sound. A child who has autism will often stare into some space that seems all his own, and it is hard to get his attention. Such a child will often focus intently on one object or thought, and block out other distractions. Usually, he is drawn toward inanimate objects rather than conversations between people. The autistic child often seems to be in his own little world; he is often happiest when left alone and can become irritable or agitated if you try to redirect him. Understanding facial cues or tone of voice is hard for the autistic child, and he has difficulties tuning into the feelings of others. Does any of this sound like your husband? If so, the cause of his communication blocks could be biological.
Although no one genetic mechanism has been identified as the root of autism, an interesting theory has been proposed by Dr. Simon Baron-Cohen of Cambridge University, which gives a reasonable biological explanation and a potential link between the disorder and the male brain. Baron-Cohen believes that prenatal levels of the male hormone testosterone may determine whether an individual has a predominantly "male brain" or "female brain." He says the male brain is characterized by a tendency to systematize (identify how things work), whereas the female brain is characterized by a tendency to empathize (identify and relate to the feelings of others).
Baron-Cohen believes that individuals with autism have an "extreme male brain." So if you have an image of a man who sits staring at his computer screen blocking you out, staring dumbly into your face when you talk about your feelings, and giving the distinct impression that his own desire to be left in peace trumps any needs you have at the moment, you have a good idea of why I draw parallels between autism and male behavior. And you'll also appreciate why encouragement, rather than badgering, will help move this man into a more engaging style of human interaction.
THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN TALK AND COMMUNICATION
When I read articles about improving relationships, the words "talk" and "communicate" are frequently used synonymously. But they are not the same. Men may not talk as much as women do, but they do communicate very well-if you're alert to their nonverbal messages.
It's What He Does, Not What He Says
Females, with their strong and numerous connectors between the right and left brain hemispheres, are easily able to access their emotions from the right brain and put them into words with the left brain. But without as many connectors between the brain hemispheres, males can find it tough to be as emotionally expressive. Although they certainly do feel emotions deeply and can be verbally expressive, they can't readily do both at the same time.
But that doesn't mean they don't communicate their feelings. As Elizabeth Barrett Browning so eloquently put it:
"How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." Pay attention, and you may be able to count the many ways your husband is reaching out to you emotionally, without saying a word.
We know that many men prefer to let their actions do their talking, especially (as we explored in Chapter One) when it comes to saying "I love you" or "I'm sorry." In fact, often a guy learns from his dad that love is expressed by doing things together ("Come on son, let's throw the ball around") rather than by proclaiming affection with words.
If your man isn't free with declarations of love, you might recognize the sentiment when he says, "Let's go play tennis." Or you might see it when he demonstrates his commitment to you with action by protecting you when he drops you off at a store entrance while he then parks the car in the rain, by taking responsibility for getting the bills paid on time, by toiling to get a promotion at work, by doing over and over again. Count the ways.
Being Surrounded by Friends
When you go off on your honeymoon, you adopt the salutation "Mrs.," taking on a new identity, a new family, and often a new home. At that point, many couples say that their marriage partner is their best friend. That's a wonderful sentiment, but it doesn't diminish the need for other friends outside the marriage. Socializing offers opportunities for laughing, relaxing, and sharing good feelings that are not readily available every day from within the marriage. That says nothing negative about the quality of the marriage. It's just a fact: Most of us need other human beings to fill out and balance our lives.
This is especially true for women. Even the best husband can't fill the role of confidant and friend as well as another woman can. A female friend will share your desire to chat about "nothing." Men tend to find this confusing. A female friend will listen and empathize when you're down. Men tend to look for quick solutions and have trouble being emotionally empathic. In fact, spending time with a good friend is good for your marriage because it is apt to offer certain types of emotional help and support that your husband may not be capable of giving.
So as you seek to heal yourself when you're feeling overwhelmed, neglected, or just plain tired, looking outside your marriage to your family and friends is a positive way to help yourself.
Here are a few tips to help you get the most out of your friendships:
1. Seek friends with positive attitudes toward marriage.
I recall the time that my wife was talking to a twice-divorced friend about some of our marital problems (yes, even I have marital problems). This friend gave the advice that fit her own experience best. Can you guess what it was? Yup, she told Susan that she was a fool to put up with me and should get a divorce. I don't blame the friend; it's what she knows. But you can rest assured that if you spend a lot of time with friends who have looked toward ending marriage as a way of solving problems, you'll be more inclined to change your locks than change your approach.
2. Enjoy the freedom of sharing with your girlfriends, but....
Try to avoid sharing those conversations with your husband. If you start a sentence by saying, "Well, I discussed our kid's problem with Elizabeth, and she thinks ..." your husband may feel defensive and ganged up on (unless Elizabeth is your child's pediatrician).