This is a Book
They say your greatest strength is also your greatest weakness. I think this is true. For me, it would definitely be my megaphone.
It all started when I got the megaphone. It was a gift from my friend Doug. I remember the moment clearly. Doug and I were standing in his garage looking for his turtle, when I noticed the megaphone just sitting there quietly. I asked Doug if I could have it. He said, "Sure." Then he picked it up and handed it to me. That moment would change my life forever.
I took to the megaphone right away. Right after Doug handed it to me, the first word I said through it was "Thank" and then right after that "You," but I really let it ring out -- like "Youuuuuuu!" Doug didn't seem that thrilled with me. I think that's a common sort of reaction when someone gives something away and then realizes how great the thing they just gave away was. It was right after I tried out the siren function that Doug really started to seem irritated about his decision to give away that great megaphone. I didn't want to make the situation any worse, so I just said "Hello?" through the megaphone and made a face that said "this thing isn't really that great." I think that helped, because Doug stopped shaking his head and cursing at me.
At first, everything with the megaphone was great. It came in really handy in the obvious situations. I would be meeting a friend somewhere and I'd use it to call out to him so that he could find me in a crowd, or I'd use the megaphone to get someone to move out of my way on the sidewalk or in line at the pharmacy.
I've always hated boring street performers. Thanks to the megaphone I finally had a real outlet to express that. And you know, I never really knew what "thinking out loud" meant until I did it through the megaphone. It made my thinking way more "out loud" and more "out landish" too.
Like a lot of people, I've always enjoyed commenting on strangers' outfits. Unlike a lot of people, I now had a new megaphone to do it with. And, let me tell you, commenting on people's hilarious clothing choices through a megaphone makes it so much better.
With the megaphone, I also started to get noticed a lot more by women, especially whenever I tried to guess their name or bra size as they walked by.
One thing you learn pretty quickly with a megaphone is that it's hard not to say "Step right up!" through it. For me that proved to be most problematic at carnivals and soup kitchens. I discovered that if there's one thing carnies and soupies have in common it's that they do not like to "step right up" and then find that there's nothing there besides a guy with a megaphone.
I used to eat meat. I ate fruits and vegetables too, and a lot of other things people handed to me. I guess you could say I was an "Omnivore." Like a lot of people, I didn't know any better. Then I read a couple of books. One of them was called How Chickens Are Raped Before You Eat Them. Another was called Hotdogs and Fingertips. I also read The Cow Feces Dilemma as well as Barf, STDs, and Veal. These books, and my girlfriend who made me read them, really motivated me to become a "Vegetarian."
I started out as a "Regular Vegetarian" (someone who does not eat meat), and then I became what is called a "Constipated Vegetarian" (someone who eats too many bananas). After that, I became what they call a "Strict Vegetarian." That's someone who eats only fruits and vegetables that have been disciplined in some way -- like, for example, corn that was grown in a perfect row, or grapes that were stomped by someone in uniform.
After being strict vegetarians for a while, my girlfriend and I became "Militant Vegetarians" (vegetarians who not only eat fruits and vegetables but also fight with them). That lasted until we both got pretty severe rashes from accidentally eating some poison ivy. That led to our eventual breakout / breakup / make-up / cookout / make-out / break-fast, and then final breakup.
After that, I switched to a fish-only diet, becoming a "Pescatarian." I decided to try it because I wanted a change, and also, I happened to be stranded on an island. I was relieved when they rescued me. I was also pretty embarrassed, because the island turned out to be a peninsula (I have an especially bad sense of direction). Still, by then I was happy to give up fish for a while.
Next I decided to become a "Vegan" (no animals or animal products). After that I became a "Las Vegan" (the same thing as vegan but living in Las Vegas). There I found a whole community of like-minded souls. I often found these people in small grocery stores that smelled kind of weird and were run by people who smelled kind of weirder. We would talk about politics and religion and how to keep bugs out of your hair. Everybody was open-minded, which was nice, and many of them wore shoes that were open-toed. And that was nasty.
After that, I became what some call a "Hyper Vegan" (no animal products or things that even look like animals -- including animal crackers, gummy worms, those Easter peeps, asparagus that resembles a snake, a snake that resembles asparagus, etc.). It was hard, but I was really committed to it. I spent my time reading books like Being Hyper Vegan: It's Hard But Be Really Committed to It and Four Things You Can Eat Besides Dirt! These books, and my new girlfriend who made me read them, really kept me on track.
I was hyper vegan for almost a year. Then one afternoon I sort of freaked out and ended up eating an entire cow. From what I can remember, I didn't cook or even kill the cow. I just tackled it and ate it. I'm not proud of that, but I feel I should mention it here in the interest of full disclosure.
After the trial, a battery of shots, and several rounds of antibiotics, I decided to turn over a new leaf. I became "Raw" (someone who only eats raw food). I added sushi to this a few weeks later, becoming "Raw Plus Sushi," which some say is redundant because sushi is raw. Whatever. Shortly thereafter, I decided to remove the sushi from my diet, which made me raw again. Then I decided to eat only raw foods that had the letters from the word "vegan" in their name (like "agave"). I was, at that point, what they call a "Literal Vegan" (a vegan whose diet is based on wordplay).
In an effort to get healthy, I did a cleanse, a fast, a master cleanse, a mistress cleanse, a master fast, a faster master fast, and then a purge. I stopped shaving my legs, because someone pointed out that it was strange that I was shaving them in the first place. Then I stopped hunting, mostly because it seemed wasteful to just kill the animals and leave them there, considering my diet and everything.
After completely cleansing my system, I was ready to get serious about my diet. That's when I went from "Raw Vegan" to "Raw Forager" (when you only eat things that are raw that you find in the woods, like a leaf or &hellip; another kind of leaf).
Finally, last month I decided to go from "Raw Forager" to "Passive Forager." Passive forager is when you lie down on the forest floor on your back and then you open your mouth and eat only the things that fall into it. You're supposed to only eat the things that fall in that are also not alive. However, you can eat a living thing if it is attacking your mouth, which happens from time to time. And that works out pretty well if you need to get some protein or defend your face.
Anyway, today I am feeling pretty good, definitely much better than I look. I guess you could say my diet has been a personal journey of sorts. It hasn't been easy, but it sure feels great to eat healthy.
Something truly terrible happened today. As I was bagging some grapes for one of my neighborhood regulars, I heard a screeching sound. When I turned around to see what it was, a car came speeding down the street. It was being chased by a police car. Before I knew what happened, both of the cars drove directly into my fruit stand. The stand was completely destroyed. There was fruit everywhere. I am still in shock about what happened.
The Word Awards
The annual Word Awards were held last night at Vernacular Pavilion. Here are some of the ceremony's highlights.
The word allege was honored for being the all-time most overused word in television news. The winner allegedly beat the second-place word, suspect, by a wide margin. Allege denied allegations that it won only because reporters are allegedly too stupid to think of other words to use. Allege thanked all the reporters for their "insane repetition" of it, and confirmed allegations that it will continue to be overused by people who work in the news media, many of whom allegedly don't even know what allege means.
Whom received a Lifetime Achievement Award for its special service to pompous assholes. Whom extended a special thanks to people who "correct others who mistakenly use 'who,' " saying, "I dedicate this award to them, without whom this would have not been possible."
Sesquipedalian shared the award for Most Autological Word with autological. The winners beat out fellow nominees, letters and nominee for the prize. Winner was, once again, barred from competition for being too presumptuous. Presumptuous was not available for comment but managed to irritate people nonetheless.
The Ensemble Award for the Least Frequently Used Combination of Words went to I was wrong, which was presented by last year's winner I have a drinking problem.
The word word was honored for officially regaining its intended meaning after spending more than two decades in hip-hop where it has meant "yes, that's correct." Word began its embarrassing stint there in the late twentieth century when young rappers paired it with up (e.g., "Are you going to come correct?" "Word up.") and soon thereafter started to appear without up. Up, meanwhile, had been recruited with in by the very same community, who used it to say things like "I was all up in there" for reasons that are still unclear.
The Award for the Word Used Most Frequently When It Is Not Actually Justified went to awesome, which narrowly beat out genius. Many were surprised that literally was not nominated, literally.
The Parlance Memorial Award, given to the word that is most frequently whispered, went to cancer again this year, continuing its remarkable streak. 
Your and you're performed a short comedy routine about just how stupid people on social networking sites are. Yore, who is famously reclusive, delighted the assembled crowd with a surprise cameo during the routine.
The night's best-dressed word was slanted, who fittingly arrived on the red carpet in italics.
Albeit won the Award for the Word Least Likely to Appear in a Tattoo.
The Award for Best Comedy Word went to cahoots, beating out crowd favorite fart and longtime champion titmouse.
The ceremony was briefly interrupted by a loud group of nucular protesters, who demanded that nucular be recognized as a word. Spotted among the protesters were idiot and supposebly (who, like nucular, is not a word but is nonetheless uttered every day by many, many people in America).
Finally, the coveted Onomatopoeia Prize went to shphlaah for the sound of a fat man accidentally sitting on a calzone.