Dear Liu,
Thank you for your email message and request to assist you in correcting your application letter for the university in the United States. I am glad that you have included the draft letter. There are some very good points in your letter, but if you dont mind, I will offer some suggestions that may make the letter better and more appropriate for an American university.
First, you dont need to begin your letter, I have the great and deep honor to apply to your illustrious program, filled as I humbly am with the utmost enthusiasm for your great teachers and very high quality of study in the American way. I am an honest citizen and have not been convicted of any crime, nor have I brought disgrace to my family. You can be much more straightforward than the usual Chinese pattern would allow you. You certainly should know that the university understands that it has an illustrious program and therefore doesnt need to be reminded of that information. You told me that you dont actually know any of the university programs teachers or their specific reputations. Thus this statement doesnt particularly make much sense. I think I have to tell you also that you are really writing in Chinglish, which you should make every effort to avoid in this application letter.
With best wishes for a successful application, I am yours, Michael Prosser.