GIVING_VVG UP_AVP GHOSTS_NN2 AND_CJC SATURN_NP0 RETURNS_NN2 
I_PNP hated_VVD the_AT0 term_NN1 “_NP0 Saturn_NP0 Return_NN1 ._SENT ”_NP0 I_PNP guess_VVB Western_AJ0 astrologers_NN2 believed_VVD that_CJT ,_PUN as_CJS Saturn_NP0 “_NP0 returns_VVZ ”_NN1 to_PRP the_AT0 degree_NN1 in_PRP its_DPS orbit_NN1 where_CJS it_PNP was_VBD at_PRP the_AT0 time_NN1 of_PRF one’s_NP0 birth_NN1 ,_PUN supposedly_AV0 a_AT0 person_NN1 crosses_VVZ over_PRP some_DT0 major_AJ0 threshold_NN1 and_CJC enters_VVZ the_AT0 next_ORD stage_NN1 of_PRF their_DPS life_NN1 ._SENT My_DPS therapist_NN1 kept_VVD gently_AV0 mentioning_VVG it_PNP to_PRP me_PNP ._SENT Anything_PNI that_CJT had_VHD to_TO0 do_VDI with_PRP predestiny_NN1 or_CJC mind_NN1 expansion_NN1 made_VVD my_DPS Bible-loving_AJ0 mind_NN1 pretty_AV0 nervous_AJ0 ._SENT Doomsday_NP0 prophet_NN1 Harold_NP0 Camping_NN1 was_VBD date-setting_AJ0 again_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP knew_VVD he_PNP was_VBD a_AT0 total_AJ0 fraud_NN1 ,_PUN but_CJC because_CJS of_PRF the_AT0 way_NN1 I_PNP grew_VVD up_AVP ,_PUN end-times_NP0 prophecy_NN1 sent_VVD chills_NN2 down_PRP my_DPS spine_NN1 ..._PUN no_AT0 matter_NN1 how_AVQ often_AV0 I_PNP told_VVD myself_PNX it_PNP was_VBD complete_AJ0 bullshit_NN1 ._SENT 
Nevertheless_AV0 ,_PUN by_PRP the_AT0 time_NN1 I_PNP was_VBD twenty-eight_CRD ,_PUN I_PNP was_VBD in_PRP two_CRD different_AJ0 kinds_NN2 of_PRF love_NN1 with_PRP two_CRD incredibly_AV0 magnetic_AJ0 people_NN0 ,_PUN and_CJC completely_AV0 codependent_AJ0 with_PRP my_DPS parents_NN2 ,_PUN not_XX0 to_TO0 mention_VVI the_AT0 twins_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD overly_AV0 invested_VVN in_PRP my_DPS dad’s_NN2 sobriety_NN1 and_CJC my_DPS mother’s_NN2 too_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP technically_AV0 didn’t_VVB own_DT0 anything_PNI ,_PUN I_PNP handed_VVD all_DT0 my_DPS money_NN1 over_AVP to_PRP Kim_NP0 ,_PUN and_CJC I_PNP was_VBD leaning_VVG hard_AV0 on_PRP steroids_NN2 and_CJC Xanax_NN1 to_TO0 balance_VVI each_DT0 other_NN1 out_AVP ._SENT I_PNP believed_VVD I_PNP needed_VVD this_DT0 to_TO0 get_VVI through_PRP my_DPS tours_NN2 and_CJC the_AT0 rigors_NN2 of_PRF sleeping_VVG on_PRP a_AT0 tour_NN1 bus_NN1 ._SENT 
Sometimes_AV0 ,_PUN I_PNP wanted_VVD the_AT0 plane_NN1 to_TO0 crash_VVI ..._PUN or_CJC at_PRP least_AV0 just_AV0 disappear_VVB ._SENT It_PNP would_VM0 take_VVI off_AVP and_CJC I’d_AJ0 picture_NN1 it_PNP just_AV0 never_AV0 landing_VVG so_AV0 that_CJT I_PNP wouldn’t_VVB have_VHB to_TO0 go_VVI onstage_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD seeing_VVG huge_AJ0 swaths_NN2 of_PRF the_AT0 world_NN1 through_PRP the_AT0 eyes_NN2 of_PRF an_AT0 emotionally_AV0 repressed_AJ0 folk_NN0 singer_NN1 and_CJC writing_VVG some_DT0 of_PRF my_DPS best_AJS songs_NN2 ever_AV0 ._SENT 
My_DPS niece_NN1 Caroline_NP0 had_VHD taken_VVN me_PNP by_PRP storm_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC I_PNP was_VBD feeling_VVG really_AV0 intense_AJ0 about_PRP my_DPS lack_NN1 of_PRF familial_AJ0 and_CJC emotional_AJ0 stability_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD no_AT0 real_AJ0 support_NN1 system_NN1 because_CJS I_PNP wasn’t_VVD being_VBG honest_AJ0 with_PRP anyone_PNI about_PRP what_DTQ I_PNP was_VBD doing_VDG ,_PUN or_CJC the_AT0 thoughts_NN2 I_PNP was_VBD entertaining_AJ0 ._SENT 
I_PNP had_VHD distanced_VVN myself_PNX in_PRP my_DPS home_NN1 relationship_NN1 ,_PUN but_CJC I_PNP was_VBD seriously_AV0 considering_VVG turning_VVG back_AVP toward_PRP Kim_NP0 and_CJC renewing_VVG the_AT0 nature_NN1 of_PRF our_DPS commitment_NN1 so_AV0 that_CJT I_PNP could_VM0 start_VVI the_AT0 family_NN1 I_PNP desperately_AV0 wanted_VVD ._SENT The_AT0 problem_NN1 was_VBD that_CJT there_EX0 was_VBD this_DT0 invisible_AJ0 wall_NN1 there_AV0 that_CJT I_PNP would_VM0 soon_AV0 learn_VVI was_VBD a_AT0 result_NN1 of_PRF Kim_NP0 having_VHG a_AT0 totally_AV0 predictable_AJ0 and_CJC possibly_AV0 even_AV0 justifiable_AJ0 affair_NN1 —_PUN albeit_CJS slightly_AV0 less_AV0 honest_AJ0 than_CJS my_DPS escapade_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP don’t_VVB even_AV0 know_VVB how_AVQ I_PNP felt_VVD about_PRP it_PNP at_PRP the_AT0 time_NN1 ..._PUN as_CJS I_PNP mine_VVB my_DPS memories_NN2 both_AV0 hurt_VVN and_CJC relief_NN1 come_VVB to_TO0 mind_VVI ._SENT 
I_PNP had_VHD come_VVN back_AVP into_PRP contact_NN1 with_PRP Rick_NP0 Rubin_NP0 in_PRP the_AT0 wrong_AJ0 way_NN1 at_PRP the_AT0 wrong_AJ0 time_NN1 ._SENT He_PNP was_VBD now_AV0 the_AT0 chairman_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS record_NN1 label_NN1 and_CJC he_PNP felt_VVD more_AV0 like_PRP my_DPS “_NN1 boss_NN1 ”_NN1 than_CJS he_PNP did_VDD eight_CRD years_NN2 prior_AJ0 ._SENT The_AT0 first_ORD thing_NN1 he_PNP did_VDD when_CJS he_PNP took_VVD the_AT0 job_NN1 at_PRP Columbia_NP0 was_VBD request_NN1 that_CJT we_PNP remix_VVB and_CJC master_VVB The_AT0 Story_NN1 ._SENT Man_NN1 ,_PUN it_PNP pissed_VVD me_PNP off_AVP ._SENT He_PNP wanted_VVD to_TO0 make_VVI our_DPS next_ORD album_NN1 with_PRP us_PNP ,_PUN and_CJC I_PNP was_VBD still_AV0 miffed_VVN about_PRP the_AT0 year_NN1 I_PNP spent_VVD broke_AJ0 and_CJC believing_VVG I_PNP was_VBD on_PRP his_DPS label_NN1 over_AVP at_PRP American_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP didn’t_VVB want_VVB to_TO0 make_VVI my_DPS album_NN1 with_PRP him_PNP as_PRP a_AT0 result_NN1 ._SENT For_PRP the_AT0 most_DT0 part_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP told_VVD him_PNP that_DT0 ._SENT BUT_CJC being_VBG the_AT0 total_AJ0 Zen_NP0 Yoda_NP0 he_PNP is_VBZ ,_PUN he_PNP basically_AV0 gave_VVD us_PNP a_AT0 budget_NN1 ,_PUN his_DPS blessing_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC permission_NN1 to_TO0 try_VVI out_AVP someone_PNI else_AV0 ._SENT 
It_PNP was_VBD a_AT0 total_AJ0 disaster_NN1 ._SENT 
We_PNP moved_VVD into_PRP a_AT0 small_AJ0 rental_NN1 in_PRP Nashville_NP0 ._SENT Three_CRD twin_AJ0 beds_NN2 in_PRP one_CRD room_NN1 ._SENT Tim_NP0 and_CJC Phil_NP0 and_CJC me_PNP ._SENT Huey_NP0 ,_PUN Dewey_NP0 ,_PUN and_CJC Louie_NP0 ._SENT 
The_AT0 “_NN1 in-loveness_NN1 ”_NN1 I_PNP was_VBD experiencing_VVG with_PRP the_AT0 woman_NN1 in_PRP my_DPS musical_AJ0 life_NN1 was_VBD reaching_VVG a_AT0 peak_NN1 when_CJS she_PNP came_VVD to_TO0 see_VVI me_PNP on_PRP that_DT0 trip_NN1 ._SENT If_CJS we_PNP didn’t_VVB see_VVB each_DT0 other_NN1 ,_PUN it_PNP would_VM0 become_VVI all_DT0 consuming_NN1 ._SENT Connecting_VVG in_PRP the_AT0 real_AJ0 world_NN1 actually_AV0 normalized_VVN it_PNP ._SENT But_CJC when_CJS the_AT0 distance_NN1 was_VBD there_AV0 ,_PUN I_PNP was_VBD writing_VVG about_PRP her_PNP all_DT0 the_AT0 time_NN1 ._SENT We_PNP missed_VVD each_DT0 other_NN1 constantly_AV0 and_CJC we_PNP were_VBD finding_VVG ways_NN2 to_TO0 be_VBI together_AV0 more_AV0 and_CJC more_AV0 while_CJS our_DPS parallel_AJ0 musical_AJ0 lives_NN2 crossed_VVN as_CJS frequently_AV0 as_CJS we_PNP were_VBD making_VVG them_PNP ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD idealized_VVN plenty_PNI of_PRF authority_NN1 figures_NN2 before_AV0 ..._PUN but_CJC she_PNP was_VBD anti-authority_AJ0 ._SENT She_PNP was_VBD different_AJ0 ._SENT She_PNP was_VBD ten_CRD feet_NN2 tall_AJ0 ..._PUN still_AV0 disappointing_VVG me_PNP but_CJC in_PRP ways_NN2 that_CJT I_PNP could_VM0 get_VVI high_AV0 on_AVP ._SENT Somehow_AV0 she_PNP was_VBD more_AV0 Brandi_NP0 than_CJS I_PNP was_VBD even_AV0 capable_AJ0 of_PRF being_VBG !_SENT In_PRP retrospect_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP can_VM0 see_VVI that_CJT it_PNP was_VBD classic_AJ0 mirroring_VVG ._SENT I’m_NN2 not_XX0 saying_VVG by_PRP any_DT0 stretch_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 imagination_NN1 that_CJT she_PNP wasn’t_VVD special_AJ0 ,_PUN because_CJS she_PNP was_VBD and_CJC IS_VBZ ..._PUN It’s_NN2 just_AV0 that_CJT throughout_PRP the_AT0 years_NN2 ,_PUN all_DT0 the_AT0 songs_NN2 about_PRP her_PNP still_AV0 apply_VVB because_CJS everything_PNI I_PNP loved_VVD in_PRP this_DT0 brilliant_AJ0 woman_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP wanted_VVD in_PRP myself_PNX too_AV0 ._SENT The_AT0 relationship_NN1 had_VHD taken_VVN on_PRP the_AT0 shape_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 muse_NN1 or_CJC a_AT0 cloak_NN1 that_CJT I_PNP could_VM0 slip_VVI on_AVP and_CJC off_AVP ._SENT 
The_AT0 young_AJ0 should_VM0 never_AV0 deny_VVI themselves_PNX their_DPS feelings_NN2 ._SENT No_AT0 matter_NN1 how_AVQ turbulent_AJ0 they_PNP get_VVB ._SENT Just_AV0 don’t_AJ0 lock_NN1 them_PNP inside_AV0 ,_PUN don’t_NP0 keep_VVB them_PNP secret_AJ0 lest_CJS they_PNP overpower_VVB you_PNP from_PRP the_AT0 repression_NN1 of_PRF it_PNP ._SENT I_PNP wanted_VVD to_TO0 talk_VVI about_PRP it_PNP and_CJC sing_VVB about_PRP it_PNP ..._PUN so_CJS I_PNP did_VDD ._SENT The_AT0 first_ORD song_NN1 I_PNP wrote_VVD about_PRP this_DT0 feeling_NN1 was_VBD called_VVN “_AJ0 Love_NN1 Songs_NN2 ._SENT ”_NP0 I_PNP played_VVD it_PNP for_PRP Kim_NP0 proudly_AV0 as_CJS she_PNP walked_VVD in_PRP the_AT0 door_NN1 one_CRD day_NN1 ._SENT She_PNP rolled_VVD her_DPS eyes_NN2 and_CJC said_VVD something_PNI like_PRP “_NN1 You_PNP got_VVD it_PNP bad_AJ0 ._SENT ”_NP0 I_PNP was_VBD in_AVP over_PRP my_DPS head_NN1 and_CJC everyone_PNI knew_VVD it_PNP ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD so_AV0 much_AV0 younger_AJC than_CJS everyone_PNI else_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP wanted_VVD to_TO0 stay_VVI innocent_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP didn’t_VVB want_VVB to_TO0 be_VBI denied_VVN my_DPS feelings_NN2 ._SENT When_CJS I_PNP sing_VVB the_AT0 song_NN1 now_AV0 I_PNP sing_VVB it_PNP to_PRP myself_PNX ._SENT I_PNP no_AV0 longer_AV0 require_VVB completion_NN1 ._SENT “_NN1 If_CJS I_PNP ever_AV0 write_VVB a_AT0 love_NN1 song_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP think_VVB I’ll_NP0 write_VVI it_PNP about_PRP you_PNP ._SENT ”_NP0 
When_CJS I’m_NN1 in_PRP the_AT0 grips_NN2 of_PRF my_DPS ego_NN1 I_PNP fill_VVB my_DPS life_NN1 with_PRP restrictions_NN2 followed_VVN by_PRP secrets_NN2 and_CJC emotional_AJ0 binging_NN1 ._SENT Declaring_VVG myself_PNX a_AT0 vegetarian_AJ0 and_CJC driving_VVG four_CRD towns_NN2 over_AVP to_TO0 buy_VVI a_AT0 Whopper_NN1 ._SENT Collecting_VVG emotional_AJ0 affairs_NN2 while_CJS setting_VVG myself_PNX phone_NN1 conversation_NN1 time_NN1 limits_NN2 and_CJC deleting_VVG emails_NN2 ._SENT Freebasing_AJ0 multivitamins_NN2 AND_CJC also_AV0 NSAIDs_NP0 and_CJC Xanax_NP0 ._SENT In_PRP Nashville_NP0 I_PNP was_VBD starting_VVG to_TO0 behave_VVI in_PRP ways_NN2 that_CJT were_VBD conflicted_AJ0 and_CJC secretive_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD indulging_VVG some_DT0 strange_AJ0 and_CJC self-destructive_AJ0 thoughts_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP even_AV0 did_VDD a_AT0 weird_AJ0 thing_NN1 where_CJS I_PNP snuck_VVD out_AVP on_PRP a_AT0 date_NN1 with_PRP a_AT0 guy_NN1 to_PRP the_AT0 Grand_AJ0 Ole_AJ0 Opry_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD made_VVN a_AT0 music_NN1 video_NN1 for_PRP my_DPS song_NN1 “_NN1 Turpentine_NN1 ”_NN1 the_AT0 previous_AJ0 year_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC I’d_NP0 hit_VVD it_PNP off_AVP with_PRP the_AT0 sweet_AJ0 man_NN1 who_PNQ played_VVD my_DPS brother_NN1 in_PRP the_AT0 video_NN1 ._SENT We_PNP had_VHD stayed_VVN in_PRP touch_NN1 and_CJC I_PNP think_VVB in_PRP some_DT0 confusing_AJ0 way_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP just_AV0 wanted_VVD to_TO0 hang_VVI out_AVP with_PRP Jay_NP0 ._SENT The_AT0 guy_NN1 wound_VVD up_AVP being_VBG a_AT0 Republican_NN1 and_CJC I_PNP laughed_VVD at_PRP myself_PNX and_CJC called_VVD him_PNP the_AT0 wrong_AJ0 name_NN1 all_DT0 evening_NN1 ._SENT 
I_PNP was_VBD absolutely_AV0 rudderless_AJ0 ._SENT 
The_AT0 producer_NN1 we_PNP had_VHD chosen_VVN to_TO0 work_VVI with_PRP in_PRP lieu_NN1 of_PRF Rick_NP0 Rubin_NP0 didn’t_NN1 believe_VVB I_PNP was_VBD “_NN1 capable_AJ0 of_PRF delivering_VVG a_AT0 live_AJ0 vocal_AJ0 ”_NN1 (_PUL his_DPS words_NN2 )_PUR ,_PUN which_DTQ put_VVD my_DPS ego_NN1 through_PRP a_AT0 total_AJ0 tornado_NN1 by_PRP the_AT0 time_NN1 it_PNP was_VBD all_DT0 over_AVP ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD having_VHG hourly_AJ0 white-knuckle_AJ0 confrontations_NN2 with_PRP him_PNP and_CJC rage-pacing_VVG the_AT0 rest_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 time_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP just_AV0 wanted_VVD to_TO0 play_VVI my_DPS guitar_NN1 and_CJC sing_VVB ._SENT It_PNP seemed_VVD like_PRP a_AT0 reasonable_AJ0 request_NN1 ..._PUN but_CJC I_PNP had_VHD the_AT0 hardest_AJS time_NN1 earning_VVG that_CJT inalienable_AJ0 right_NN1 as_PRP a_AT0 female_AJ0 artist_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD always_AV0 too_AV0 loud_AJ0 ,_PUN or_CJC pitchy_AJ0 ..._PUN too_AV0 affected_VVN ,_PUN too_AV0 emotional_AJ0 ,_PUN or_CJC just_AV0 out_AVP of_PRF bounds_NN2 somehow_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD starting_VVG to_TO0 detest_VVI making_VVG albums_NN2 ._SENT 
I_PNP went_VVD to_PRP bed_NN1 one_CRD night_NN1 in_PRP the_AT0 bedroom_NN1 with_PRP the_AT0 twins_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC my_DPS grandfather_NN1 Vernon_NP0 came_VVD to_PRP me_PNP in_PRP a_AT0 dream_NN1 ._SENT We_PNP were_VBD in_PRP a_AT0 laundromat_NN1 way_NN1 out_AVP in_PRP no-man’s-land_NN1 at_PRP the_AT0 end_NN1 of_PRF a_AT0 dirt_NN1 road_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP heard_VVD him_PNP before_CJS I_PNP saw_VVD him_PNP ._SENT He_PNP was_VBD singing_VVG and_CJC leaning_VVG on_PRP a_AT0 washing_NN1 machine_NN1 next_ORD to_PRP his_DPS brother_NN1 Sonny_NP0 ,_PUN who_PNQ had_VHD not_XX0 died_VVN yet_AV0 but_CJC was_VBD just_AV0 about_AVP to_PRP ._SENT Sonny_NP0 was_VBD playing_VVG guitar_NN1 ;_PUN he_PNP was_VBD old_AJ0 ,_PUN but_CJC Vern_NP0 was_VBD only_AV0 about_PRP forty_CRD ._SENT His_DPS hair_NN1 was_VBD brown_AJ0 ,_PUN and_CJC I_PNP 
felt_VVD confused_AJ0 ,_PUN remembering_VVG him_PNP as_CJS blond_AJ0 ._SENT He_PNP was_VBD singing_VVG :_PUN 
Anytime_NN1 you’re_NN1 feeling_VVG lonely_AJ0 ,_PUN 
Anytime_NN1 you’re_NN1 feeling_NN1 blue_NN1 ,_PUN 
Anytime_NN1 you_PNP say_VVB you_PNP want_VVB me_PNP back_AVP again_AV0 ,_PUN That’s_NP0 the_AT0 time_NN1 I’ll_NN1 come_VVB back_AVP home_AV0 to_PRP you_PNP ._SENT 
His_DPS voice_NN1 was_VBD lower_AJC than_CJS I_PNP remembered_VVD ._SENT I_PNP walked_VVD in_AVP and_CJC he_PNP stopped_VVD singing_VVG and_CJC said_VVD ,_PUN “_NP0 Here_AV0 she_PNP is_VBZ ,_PUN Sonny_NP0 ,_PUN you’re_NP0 gonna_NN1 hear_VVB her_PNP now_AV0 ,_PUN ”_NN1 and_CJC nodded_VVD for_PRP me_PNP to_TO0 take_VVI over_AVP the_AT0 vocal_NN1 ._SENT As_CJS soon_AV0 as_CJS I_PNP did_VDD ,_PUN he_PNP started_VVD grinning_VVG ,_PUN 
stomping_VVG ,_PUN and_CJC elbowing_VVG his_DPS brother_NN1 ._SENT “_NP0 Didn’t_NP0 I_PNP tell_VVB you_PNP she_PNP could_VM0 sing_VVI ?_SENT ”_NP0 he_PNP said_VVD ._SENT “_NP0 Man_NN1 ,_PUN she_PNP can_VM0 really_AV0 sing_VVI ._SENT ”_NP0 
No_ITJ one_PNI knew_VVD how_AVQ bad_AJ0 I_PNP needed_VVD to_TO0 hear_VVI that_DT0 ._SENT 
I_PNP felt_VVD really_AV0 strongly_AV0 that_CJT it_PNP was_VBD more_AV0 than_CJS a_AT0 dream_NN1 ._SENT With_PRP one_CRD eye_NN1 open_AJ0 ,_PUN I_PNP grabbed_VVD my_DPS phone_NN1 to_TO0 see_VVI what_DTQ time_NN1 it_PNP was_VBD and_CJC saw_VVD that_CJT I_PNP had_VHD gotten_VVN a_AT0 totally_AV0 random_AJ0 text_NN1 message_NN1 from_PRP my_DPS mother_NN1 with_PRP a_AT0 photo_NN1 of_PRF her_DPS dad_NN1 from_PRP just_AV0 before_CJS I_PNP was_VBD born_VVN ..._PUN and_CJC he_PNP had_VHD brown_AJ0 hair_NN1 ._SENT 
When_CJS I_PNP woke_VVD up_AVP the_AT0 next_ORD day_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP prayed_VVD for_PRP the_AT0 first_ORD time_NN1 in_PRP years_NN2 and_CJC thanked_VVD God_NP0 for_PRP the_AT0 access_NN1 to_PRP Vernon_NP0 and_CJC Sonny_NP0 and_CJC for_PRP the_AT0 encouragement_NN1 ._SENT We_PNP had_VHD the_AT0 weekend_NN1 off_AVP and_CJC I_PNP cryptically_AV0 snuck_VVD away_AV0 from_PRP the_AT0 twins_NN2 for_PRP the_AT0 day_NN1 to_TO0 go_VVI and_CJC find_VVI a_AT0 church_NN1 in_PRP east_NN1 Nashville_NP0 ._SENT 
I_PNP phoned_VVD in_PRP the_AT0 rest_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 recording_NN1 session_NN1 because_CJS I_PNP knew_VVD innately_AV0 that_CJT I_PNP had_VHD made_VVN the_AT0 wrong_AJ0 decision_NN1 ._SENT It_PNP was_VBD time_NN1 for_PRP me_PNP to_TO0 find_VVI my_DPS way_NN1 back_AVP to_PRP Rick_NP0 ,_PUN who_PNQ we_PNP all_AV0 now_AV0 know_VVB is_VBZ notorious_AJ0 for_PRP second_ORD chances_NN2 ..._PUN I_PNP knew_VVD he’d_NP0 forgive_VVI me_PNP ,_PUN and_CJC he_PNP did_VDD ._SENT I_PNP knew_VVD that_CJT I_PNP was_VBD going_VVG to_TO0 be_VBI okay_AJ0 because_CJS the_AT0 songs_NN2 were_VBD very_AV0 good_AJ0 and_CJC for_PRP the_AT0 first_ORD time_NN1 in_PRP a_AT0 long_AJ0 time_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP believed_VVD that_CJT I_PNP was_VBD very_AV0 good_AJ0 ._SENT 
I_PNP dove_VVD into_PRP an_AT0 independent_AJ0 Bible_NN1 study_NN1 that_CJT led_VVD me_PNP to_TO0 read_VVI the_AT0 Good_AJ0 Book_NN1 itself_PNX and_CJC then_AV0 thousands_CRD of_PRF pages_NN2 on_PRP Luther_NP0 ,_PUN Calvin_NP0 ,_PUN and_CJC the_AT0 Reformation_NN1 gospels_NN2 ,_PUN as_CJS well_AV0 as_CJS some_DT0 of_PRF the_AT0 great_AJ0 pop-culture_AJ0 Christian_AJ0 icons_NN2 of_PRF our_DPS time_NN1 :_PUN Brennan_NP0 Manning_NP0 ,_PUN Rob_NP0 Bell_NP0 ,_PUN Rachel_NP0 Held_NP0 Evans_NP0 ,_PUN Greg_NP0 Boyd_NP0 ,_PUN C_NP0 ._SENT S._NP0 Lewis_NP0 ,_PUN of_PRF course_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC many_DT0 more_AV0 ._SENT 
I_PNP decided_VVD to_TO0 confront_VVI my_DPS fear_NN1 of_PRF church_NN1 and_CJC what_DTQ I_PNP came_VVD to_TO0 understand_VVI was_VBD actually_AV0 a_AT0 moderate_AJ0 form_NN1 of_PRF PTSD_NP0 by_PRP sitting_VVG through_PRP unknown_AJ0 sermons_NN2 and_CJC surrounding_VVG myself_PNX with_PRP strangers_NN2 ._SENT My_DPS head_NN1 would_VM0 pound_VVI ,_PUN my_DPS palms_NN2 would_VM0 sweat_VVI ,_PUN and_CJC I_PNP would_VM0 even_AV0 get_VVI mild_AJ0 vertigo_NN1 ._SENT It_PNP defied_VVD all_DT0 sensibility_NN1 for_PRP me_PNP ._SENT No_AT0 amount_NN1 of_PRF “_NN1 learning_NN1 ”_NN1 would_VM0 take_VVI it_PNP away_AV0 ._SENT The_AT0 books_NN2 couldn’t_NN1 touch_VVB it_PNP ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD to_TO0 show_VVI up_AVP ._SENT 
I_PNP knew_VVD it_PNP was_VBD time_NN1 for_PRP my_DPS actual_AJ0 baptism_NN1 ._SENT 
Brennan_NP0 Manning_NP0 was_VBD a_AT0 disgraced_AJ0 ,_PUN divorced_AJ0 ,_PUN alcoholic_AJ0 Franciscan_AJ0 priest_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP read_VVB everything_PNI he_PNP wrote_VVD ._SENT Ragamuffin_NN1 Gospel_NN1 is_VBZ my_DPS favorite_NN1 ._SENT He_PNP fell_VVD off_AVP the_AT0 wagon_NN1 and_CJC continued_VVD to_TO0 write_VVI from_PRP a_AT0 perspective_NN1 of_PRF brokenness_NN1 ._SENT His_DPS meditations_NN2 affected_VVD me_PNP in_PRP a_AT0 way_NN1 that_CJT no_AT0 pious_AJ0 teacher_NN1 ever_AV0 could_VM0 have_VHI ._SENT I_PNP imagined_VVD him_PNP writing_VVG page_NN1 after_PRP page_NN1 while_CJS sipping_VVG on_PRP a_AT0 Jameson_NP0 ,_PUN still_AV0 believing_VVG in_PRP himself_PNX and_CJC in_PRP God_NP0 enough_AV0 to_TO0 know_VVI that_CJT his_DPS worthiness_NN1 was_VBD simply_AV0 irrevocable_AJ0 ._SENT He_PNP taught_VVD me_PNP a_AT0 new_AJ0 way_NN1 to_TO0 say_VVI the_AT0 phrase_NN1 “_NN1 The_AT0 Lord_NN1 is_VBZ my_DPS shepherd_NN1 ;_PUN I_PNP shall_VM0 not_XX0 want_VVI ”_NN1 —_PUN the_AT0 phrase_NN1 I’d_NN1 been_VBN carrying_VVG around_AVP since_AV0 
my_DPS grandfather’s_AJ0 funeral_NN1 ._SENT He_PNP replaces_VVZ “_AJ0 I_PNP shall_VM0 not_XX0 want_VVI ”_NN1 with_PRP the_AT0 Greek_AJ0 understanding_NN1 :_PUN “_NP0 I_PNP lack_VVB nothing_PNI ._SENT ”_NP0 
“_VVB The_AT0 Lord_NN1 is_VBZ my_DPS shepherd_NN1 ;_PUN I_PNP lack_VVB nothing_PNI ._SENT ”_VVB This_DT0 subtle_AJ0 difference_NN1 is_VBZ night_NN1 and_CJC day_NN1 to_PRP a_AT0 self-punishing_AJ0 person_NN1 ._SENT 
These_DT0 songs_NN2 and_CJC heartaches_NN2 ,_PUN my_DPS misplaced_AJ0 anger_NN1 and_CJC how_AVQ it_PNP led_VVD me_PNP to_TO0 seek_VVI all_DT0 this_DT0 forgiveness_NN1 on_PRP this_DT0 side_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 divide_NN1 and_CJC the_AT0 other_AJ0 one_CRD ,_PUN were_VBD my_DPS “_NN1 second_ORD calling_NN1 ,_PUN ”_VVB my_DPS actual_AJ0 Saturn_NP0 Return_NN1 and_CJC what_DTQ ultimately_AV0 led_VVD me_PNP to_PRP my_DPS actual_AJ0 adult_NN1 baptism_NN1 ._SENT 
I_PNP WAS_VBD FINALLY_AV0 baptized_VVN on_PRP Easter_NP0 Sunday_NP0 in_PRP 2009._CRD I_PNP wish_VVB I_PNP could_VM0 report_VVI the_AT0 usual_AJ0 feeling_NN1 of_PRF renewal_NN1 ,_PUN but_CJC I_PNP wasn’t_VVD as_AV0 present_AJ0 as_CJS I_PNP would_VM0 have_VHI liked_VVN to_TO0 have_VHI been_VBN ._SENT The_AT0 botched_AJ0 baptism_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS fragile_AJ0 youth_NN1 still_AV0 owned_VVN that_DT0 moment_NN1 in_PRP some_DT0 ways_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP light_VVB a_AT0 candle_NN1 and_CJC say_VVB a_AT0 prayer_NN1 every_AT0 year_NN1 on_PRP Easter_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC every_AT0 year_NN1 I_PNP feel_VVB better_AJC ,_PUN and_CJC further_AV0 away_AV0 from_PRP that_DT0 day_NN1 ._SENT As_CJS the_AT0 distance_NN1 between_PRP me_PNP and_CJC that_DT0 moment_NN1 grows_VVZ ,_PUN it_PNP pushes_VVZ me_PNP closer_AJC and_CJC closer_AJC to_PRP God_NP0 ._SENT 
