Death_NN1 Becomes_VVZ Me_PNP 
I_PNP opened_VVD my_DPS eyes_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC there_AV0 he_PNP was_VBD standing_VVG over_PRP me_PNP ,_PUN just_AV0 inches_NN2 from_PRP my_DPS face_NN1 ._SENT A_AT0 stranger_NN1 looking_VVG at_PRP me_PNP with_PRP so_AV0 much_DT0 kindness_NN1 that_CJT I_PNP was_VBD sure_AJ0 I_PNP was_VBD going_VVG to_TO0 die_VVI ._SENT He_PNP was_VBD stroking_VVG my_DPS head_NN1 ,_PUN my_DPS hair_NN1 ;_PUN God_NP0 ,_PUN he_PNP was_VBD handsome_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP wished_VVD he_PNP were_VBD someone_PNI who_PNQ loved_VVD me_PNP instead_AV0 of_PRF someone_PNI whose_DTQ next_ORD words_NN2 were_VBD "_PUQ You_PNP 're_VBB bleeding_VVG into_PRP your_DPS brain_NN1 ._SENT "_PUQ 
He_PNP stood_VVD there_AV0 gently_AV0 touching_VVG my_DPS head_NN1 and_CJC I_PNP just_AV0 lay_VVD there_AV0 knowing_VVG that_CJT no_AT0 one_PNI in_PRP the_AT0 room_NN1 loved_VVD me_PNP ._SENT Knowing_VVG it_PNP in_PRP my_DPS guts_NN2 —_PUN not_XX0 needing_VVG my_DPS bleeding_AJ0 brain_NN1 to_TO0 be_VBI aware_AJ0 of_PRF the_AT0 ridiculous_AJ0 slap-down_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS now-immobilized_AJ0 life_NN1 ._SENT It_PNP was_VBD late_AJ0 September_NP0 2001._CRD I_PNP was_VBD in_PRP the_AT0 ER_NP0 at_PRP the_AT0 California_NP0 Pacific_NP0 Medical_AJ0 Center_NN1 in_PRP San_NP0 Francisco_NP0 ._SENT I_PNP asked_VVD Dr._NP0 Handsome_AJ0 ,_PUN "_PUQ Will_VM0 I_PNP lose_VVI my_DPS ability_NN1 to_TO0 speak_VVI ?_SENT "_PUQ He_PNP said_VVD it_PNP 's_VBZ possible_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP wanted_VVD a_AT0 phone_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP needed_VVD to_TO0 call_VVI my_DPS mom_NN1 and_CJC my_DPS sister_NN1 ._SENT They_PNP needed_VVD to_TO0 hear_VVI this_DT0 from_PRP me_PNP while_CJS I_PNP could_VM0 still_AV0 tell_VVI them_PNP myself_PNX ._SENT The_AT0 doctor_NN1 squeezed_VVD my_DPS hand_NN1 in_PRP his_PNP ._SENT I_PNP realized_VVD he_PNP was_VBD doing_VDG his_DPS darndest_AJS to_TO0 fill_VVI in_AVP with_PRP that_DT0 special_AJ0 kind_NN1 of_PRF love_NN1 that_CJT comes_VVZ when_CJS someone_PNI pursues_VVZ the_AT0 vocation_NN1 that_CJT they_PNP were_VBD meant_VVN to_PRP ,_PUN if_CJS only_AV0 for_PRP moments_NN2 like_PRP this_DT0 ._SENT I_PNP learned_VVD a_AT0 lot_NN1 from_PRP him_PNP ._SENT 
I_PNP called_VVD my_DPS sister_NN1 ,_PUN Kelly_NP0 ,_PUN first_ORD ._SENT She_PNP was_VBD as_CJS she_PNP always_AV0 is_VBZ :_PUN the_AT0 most_AV0 magnificent_AJ0 person_NN1 I_PNP know_VVB ._SENT She_PNP is_VBZ kinder_AJC to_PRP others_NN2 than_CJS she_PNP is_VBZ to_PRP herself_PNX ,_PUN naïve_AJ0 in_PRP her_DPS gentleness_NN1 ._SENT Then_AV0 I_PNP called_VVD my_DPS mom_NN1 ,_PUN a_AT0 more_AV0 difficult_AJ0 conversation_NN1 for_PRP me_PNP ,_PUN since_CJS I_PNP did_VDD n't_XX0 know_VVI if_CJS she_PNP liked_VVD me_PNP very_AV0 much_AV0 ._SENT Here_AV0 I_PNP was_VBD ,_PUN dying_AJ0 and_CJC insecure_AJ0 all_AV0 at_PRP the_AT0 same_DT0 time_NN1 ._SENT She_PNP was_VBD gardening_VVG outside_AV0 in_PRP her_DPS yard_NN1 on_PRP top_NN1 of_PRF a_AT0 mountain_NN1 in_PRP Pennsylvania_NP0 ._SENT She_PNP fell_VVD apart_AV0 ._SENT 
It_PNP 's_VBZ important_AJ0 to_TO0 consider_VVI that_CJT Dot_NP0 falls_VVZ apart_AV0 over_PRP radio_NN1 commercials_NN2 ,_PUN so_CJS I_PNP waited_VVD ,_PUN because_CJS ,_PUN well_AV0 ,_PUN I_PNP knew_VVD she_PNP would_VM0 pull_VVI it_PNP together_AV0 ._SENT Despite_PRP the_AT0 distance_NN1 between_PRP us_PNP ,_PUN she_PNP and_CJC my_DPS dad_NN1 arrived_VVD in_AVP under_PRP twenty-four_CRD hours_NN2 ._SENT She_PNP ran_VVD into_PRP the_AT0 hospital_NN1 still_AV0 in_PRP her_DPS shorts_NN2 ,_PUN covered_VVN in_PRP gardening_NN1 mud_NN1 ,_PUN dirt_NN1 under_PRP her_DPS nails_NN2 and_CJC fear_VVB on_PRP her_DPS face_NN1 ._SENT Years_NN2 of_PRF uncertainty_NN1 and_CJC miscommunication_NN1 between_PRP us_PNP fell_VVD away_AV0 in_PRP a_AT0 look_NN1 ._SENT As_CJS I_PNP lay_VVD there_AV0 knowing_VVG that_CJT I_PNP could_VM0 die_VVI at_PRP any_DT0 second_NN1 ,_PUN she_PNP stroked_VVD my_DPS face_NN1 with_PRP her_DPS dusty_AJ0 hand_NN1 and_CJC I_PNP suddenly_AV0 felt_VVD that_CJT my_DPS mother_NN1 loved_VVD me_PNP ._SENT Bit_NN1 by_PRP bit_NN1 ._SENT 
My_DPS father_NN1 stood_VVD beside_PRP her_PNP like_PRP a_AT0 bull_NN1 looking_VVG to_TO0 charge_VVI ._SENT 
I_PNP called_VVD my_DPS best_AJS friend_NN1 of_PRF more_AV0 than_CJS twenty_CRD years_NN2 ,_PUN Mimi_NP0 ,_PUN and_CJC said_VVD what_DTQ we_PNP always_AV0 said_VVD when_CJS the_AT0 news_NN1 was_VBD exceptionally_AV0 good_AJ0 or_CJC bad_AJ0 :_PUN "_PUQ You_PNP 'd_VM0 better_AV0 sit_VVI down_AVP ._SENT "_PUQ I_PNP could_VM0 hear_VVI her_PNP sharp_AV0 inhale_VVB ._SENT I_PNP said_VVD ,_PUN "_PUQ I_PNP might_VM0 die_VVI and_CJC you_PNP are_VBB the_AT0 only_AJ0 one_PNI I_PNP can_VM0 tell_VVI the_AT0 truth_NN1 to_PRP because_CJS somebody_PNI needs_VVZ to_TO0 take_VVI care_NN1 of_PRF everyone_PNI and_CJC it_PNP 's_VBZ not_XX0 going_VVG to_TO0 be_VBI me_PNP ._SENT I_PNP 'm_VBB bleeding_VVG into_PRP my_DPS brain_NN1 ._SENT They_PNP do_VDB n't_XX0 know_VVI why_AVQ ._SENT "_PUQ 
She_PNP said_VVD ,_PUN "_PUQ Oh_ITJ ,_PUN shit_NN1 ._SENT "_PUQ 
I_PNP said_VVD ,_PUN "_PUQ There_EX0 is_VBZ a_AT0 very_AV0 good-looking_AJ0 doctor_NN1 here_AV0 ,_PUN and_CJC sadly_AV0 I_PNP might_VM0 not_XX0 be_VBI able_AJ0 to_TO0 flirt_VVI with_PRP him_PNP ._SENT "_PUQ 
She_PNP was_VBD trying_VVG not_XX0 to_TO0 cry_VVI as_CJS she_PNP whispered_VVD ,_PUN "_PUQ Oh_ITJ ,_PUN honey_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP 'm_VBB on_PRP the_AT0 next_ORD plane_NN1 ._SENT "_PUQ As_CJS I_PNP knew_VVD she_PNP would_VM0 be_VBI ._SENT 
Then_AV0 came_VVD the_AT0 silence_NN1 again_AV0 ._SENT Echoing_VVG off_AVP the_AT0 emergency_NN1 room_NN1 tiles_NN2 and_CJC hitting_VVG my_DPS newly_AV0 broken_AJ0 heart_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP remember_VVB feeling_VVG something_PNI between_PRP scared_AJ0 and_CJC fascinated_VVD that_CJT no_AT0 one_PNI was_VBD running_VVG around_AVP yelling_VVG ,_PUN "_PUQ STAT_NP0 STAT_NP0 !_SENT "_PUQ like_VVB they_PNP do_VDI on_PRP TV_NN1 ._SENT There_EX0 was_VBD a_AT0 stunning_AJ0 lack_NN1 of_PRF urgency_NN1 and_CJC movement_NN1 ._SENT The_AT0 doctor_NN1 —_PUN yeah_ITJ ,_PUN that_DT0 one_PNI —_PUN told_VVD me_PNP an_AT0 ambulance_NN1 was_VBD coming_VVG to_TO0 transport_VVI me_PNP to_PRP another_DT0 hospital_NN1 ,_PUN Moffitt-Long_NP0 ,_PUN which_DTQ was_VBD renowned_AJ0 for_PRP neurological_AJ0 issues_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC that_CJT they_PNP would_VM0 take_VVI special_AJ0 care_NN1 of_PRF me_PNP ._SENT 
God_NP0 ,_PUN that_DT0 really_AV0 made_VVN me_PNP feel_VVB bad_AJ0 ._SENT There_EX0 are_VBB just_AV0 times_NN2 when_CJS getting_VVG special_AJ0 care_NN1 can_VM0 be_VBI such_DT0 a_AT0 downer_NN1 ._SENT This_DT0 is_VBZ not_XX0 like_PRP floor_NN1 seats_NN2 at_PRP a_AT0 Laker_NP0 game_NN1 or_CJC getting_VVG the_AT0 table_NN1 by_PRP the_AT0 window_NN1 at_PRP your_DPS favorite_AJ0 restaurant_NN1 ._SENT Privileges_NN2 ._SENT Fame_NN1 ._SENT Shit_NN1 ._SENT 
It_PNP was_VBD then_AV0 that_CJT I_PNP suddenly_AV0 felt_VVD everything_PNI moving_VVG strangely_AV0 ,_PUN as_CJS if_CJS the_AT0 film_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS life_NN1 were_VBD moving_VVG through_PRP a_AT0 camera_NN1 backward_AV0 ._SENT Fast_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP started_VVD to_TO0 experience_VVI a_AT0 feeling_NN1 of_PRF falling_VVG ,_PUN and_CJC then_AV0 as_AV0 though_CJS something_PNI were_VBD overtaking_VVG me_PNP ,_PUN body_NN1 and_CJC soul_NN1 ,_PUN followed_VVN by_PRP this_DT0 tremendous_AJ0 ,_PUN luminous_AJ0 ,_PUN uplifting_AJ0 whiteout_NN1 pulling_VVG me_PNP right_AV0 out_AVP of_PRF my_DPS body_NN1 and_CJC into_PRP a_AT0 familiar_AJ0 brilliant_AJ0 other_AJ0 body_NN1 of_PRF ..._PUN knowing_VVG ?_SENT 
The_AT0 light_NN1 was_VBD so_AV0 luminous_AJ0 ._SENT It_PNP was_VBD so_AV0 ..._PUN mystical_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP wanted_VVD to_TO0 know_VVI it_PNP ._SENT I_PNP wanted_VVD to_TO0 immerse_VVI myself_PNX ._SENT Their_DPS faces_NN2 were_VBD not_XX0 just_AV0 familiar_AJ0 ._SENT They_PNP were_VBD transcendent_AJ0 ._SENT Some_DT0 of_PRF them_PNP had_VHD not_XX0 been_VBN gone_VVN for_PRP long_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD cared_VVN for_PRP some_DT0 of_PRF them_PNP until_PRP the_AT0 end_NN1 of_PRF this_DT0 life_NN1 ._SENT They_PNP were_VBD my_DPS closest_AJS friends_NN2 ,_PUN Caroline_NP0 ,_PUN Tony_NP0 Duquette_NP0 ,_PUN Manuel_NP0 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD missed_VVN them_PNP so_AV0 much_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP felt_VVD so_AV0 cold_AJ0 in_PRP the_AT0 room_NN1 I_PNP was_VBD coming_VVG from_PRP ._SENT They_PNP were_VBD so_AV0 warm_AJ0 ,_PUN so_AV0 happy_AJ0 ,_PUN so_AV0 welcoming_AJ0 ._SENT Without_PRP their_DPS saying_VVG a_AT0 word_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP understood_VVD everything_PNI they_PNP were_VBD telling_VVG me_PNP about_PRP why_AVQ we_PNP are_VBB safe_AJ0 ,_PUN why_AVQ we_PNP should_VM0 not_XX0 be_VBI afraid_AJ0 :_PUN because_CJS we_PNP are_VBB surrounded_VVN by_PRP love_NN1 ._SENT That_DT0 in_PRP fact_NN1 we_PNP are_VBB love_VVB ._SENT 
Suddenly_AV0 I_PNP felt_VVD like_CJS I_PNP had_VHD been_VBN kicked_VVN in_PRP the_AT0 middle_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS chest_NN1 by_PRP a_AT0 mule_NN1 ,_PUN the_AT0 impact_NN1 was_VBD so_AV0 harsh_AJ0 ,_PUN and_CJC ,_PUN astoundingly_AV0 ,_PUN I_PNP was_VBD awake_AJ0 and_CJC back_AVP in_PRP the_AT0 emergency_NN1 room_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD made_VVN a_AT0 choice_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP took_VVD the_AT0 kind_NN1 of_PRF gasp_NN1 you_PNP take_VVB when_CJS you_PNP are_VBB underwater_AV0 far_AV0 too_AV0 long_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP sat_VVD up_AVP ;_PUN the_AT0 light_NN1 was_VBD blinding_AJ0 ._SENT All_AV0 I_PNP could_VM0 see_VVI was_VBD Dr._NP0 Handsome_AJ0 ,_PUN standing_VVG back_AVP ,_PUN observing_VVG me_PNP ._SENT 
I_PNP had_VHD to_TO0 pee_VVI so_AV0 badly_AV0 ,_PUN but_CJC as_CJS I_PNP turned_VVD to_TO0 get_VVI off_AVP the_AT0 gurney_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP was_VBD so_AV0 high_AJ0 up_AVP ,_PUN like_PRP an_AT0 Alice_NP0 in_PRP a_AT0 Wonderland_NP0 of_PRF white_AJ0 and_CJC stainless_AJ0 steel_NN1 ._SENT 
"_PUQ What_DTQ do_VDB you_PNP need_VVI ?_SENT "_PUQ the_AT0 doctor_NN1 said_VVD ._SENT 
"_PUQ Bathroom_NN1 ._SENT "_PUQ 
"_PUQ There_AV0 ._SENT "_PUQ 
I_PNP slipped_VVD far_AV0 ,_PUN farther_AV0 down_AVP onto_PRP the_AT0 cool_AJ0 tiles_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC felt_VVD like_CJS I_PNP floated_VVD to_PRP the_AT0 toilet_NN1 and_CJC peed_VVD for_PRP a_AT0 long_AJ0 time_NN1 ,_PUN wandering_VVG back_AVP to_PRP where_AVQ the_AT0 doctor_NN1 lifted_VVD me_PNP up_AVP like_PRP the_AT0 feather_NN1 I_PNP had_VHD become_VVN ._SENT 
The_AT0 last_ORD few_DT0 years_NN2 ,_PUN throughout_PRP the_AT0 late_AJ0 nineties_CRD ,_PUN I_PNP had_VHD been_VBN chasing_VVG a_AT0 love_NN1 I_PNP did_VDD n't_XX0 have_VHI ._SENT A_AT0 love_NN1 that_CJT I_PNP thought_VVD did_VDD ,_PUN but_CJC did_VDD n't_XX0 ,_PUN belong_VVB to_PRP me_PNP ._SENT I_PNP chased_VVD literally_AV0 —_PUN leaving_VVG Hollywood_NP0 and_CJC moving_VVG to_PRP Northern_NP0 California_NP0 —_PUN figuratively_AV0 ,_PUN and_CJC spiritually_AV0 :_PUN always_AV0 trying_VVG to_TO0 be_VBI something_PNI more_AV0 ,_PUN something_PNI that_CJT would_VM0 be_VBI the_AT0 thing_NN1 that_CJT would_VM0 bring_VVI me_PNP closer_AJC to_PRP understanding_VVG how_AVQ to_TO0 be_VBI better_AJC at_PRP life_NN1 ,_PUN better_AV0 at_PRP love_NN1 and_CJC loving_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD watching_VVG my_DPS own_DT0 life_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC suddenly_AV0 it_PNP ran_VVD out_AVP right_AV0 in_PRP front_NN1 of_PRF me_PNP ._SENT 
Suddenly_AV0 ,_PUN one_PNI fine_AJ0 ,_PUN pretty_AJ0 afternoon_NN1 ,_PUN all_DT0 of_PRF my_DPS questions_NN2 were_VBD more_AV0 than_CJS answered_VVN ._SENT Without_PRP gauze_NN1 or_CJC haze_NN1 or_CJC pretense_NN1 :_PUN all_DT0 of_PRF those_DT0 efforts_NN2 failed_VVN ._SENT The_AT0 facts_NN2 were_VBD just_AV0 that_DT0 :_PUN I_PNP was_VBD not_XX0 loved_VVN ,_PUN not_XX0 wanted_VVN ;_PUN I_PNP was_VBD less_AV0 than_CJS ._SENT 
In_PRP my_DPS fine_AJ0 and_CJC decent_AJ0 desire_NN1 to_TO0 be_VBI something_PNI more_DT0 than_CJS I_PNP had_VHD been_VBN before_AV0 ,_PUN something_PNI I_PNP thought_VVD might_VM0 be_VBI more_AV0 real_AJ0 ,_PUN I_PNP had_VHD failed_VVN ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD done_VDN everything_PNI I_PNP could_VM0 think_VVI of_PRF ,_PUN and_CJC nothing_PNI was_VBD the_AT0 correct_AJ0 thing_NN1 ,_PUN nothing_PNI the_AT0 right_AJ0 action_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP thought_VVD at_PRP that_DT0 time_NN1 that_CJT if_CJS I_PNP kept_VVD doing_VDG what_DTQ I_PNP thought_VVD was_VBD the_AT0 correct_AJ0 and_CJC spiritually_AV0 elegant_AJ0 thing_NN1 to_TO0 do_VDI ,_PUN the_AT0 thing_NN1 I_PNP longed_VVD for_PRP would_VM0 open_VVI to_PRP me_PNP ._SENT It_PNP did_VDD not_XX0 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD simply_AV0 made_VVN bad_AJ0 choices_NN2 ._SENT Uninformed_AJ0 choices_NN2 ._SENT Spiritually_AV0 impoverished_AJ0 choices_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD let_VVN the_AT0 core_NN1 me_PNP go_VVB in_PRP order_NN1 to_TO0 be_VBI "_PUQ more_AV0 ._SENT "_PUQ I_PNP thought_VVD I_PNP was_VBD n't_XX0 enough_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP could_VM0 n't_XX0 wife_NN1 it_PNP away_AV0 ._SENT 
I_PNP was_VBD ignorant_AJ0 of_PRF the_AT0 fact_NN1 that_CJT I_PNP was_VBD not_XX0 in_PRP the_AT0 correct_AJ0 place_NN1 for_PRP me_PNP or_CJC that_CJT I_PNP could_VM0 leave_VVI ,_PUN because_CJS ,_PUN per_PRP usual_AJ0 ,_PUN I_PNP wanted_VVD to_TO0 be_VBI good_AJ0 at_PRP this_DT0 ._SENT I_PNP wanted_VVD to_TO0 do_VDI what_DTQ I_PNP said_VVD ._SENT Even_AV0 if_CJS I_PNP had_VHD made_VVN a_AT0 mistake_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP would_VM0 carry_VVI it_PNP through_AVP ,_PUN I_PNP would_VM0 figure_VVI it_PNP out_AVP ._SENT 
Until_PRP this_DT0 time_NN1 and_CJC this_DT0 moment_NN1 ,_PUN when_CJS I_PNP had_VHD reached_VVN too_AV0 far_AV0 ,_PUN wanted_VVD too_AV0 much_AV0 ,_PUN I_PNP accepted_VVD what_DTQ I_PNP should_VM0 n't_XX0 have_VHI ,_PUN made_VVD deals_NN2 with_PRP myself_PNX in_PRP an_AT0 effort_NN1 to_TO0 figure_VVI out_AVP why_AVQ I_PNP had_VHD given_VVN up_AVP so_AV0 much_AV0 for_PRP so_AV0 little_AJ0 ._SENT Because_CJS I_PNP was_VBD a_AT0 woman_NN1 who_PNQ had_VHD made_VVN it_PNP ,_PUN very_AV0 few_DT0 people_NN0 personally_AV0 valued_VVN me_PNP for_PRP what_DTQ I_PNP had_VHD done_VDN ,_PUN what_DTQ I_PNP had_VHD made_VVN of_PRF myself_PNX ._SENT It_PNP made_VVD it_PNP so_AV0 much_AV0 easier_AJC to_TO0 give_VVI it_PNP away_AV0 ._SENT After_PRP all_DT0 ,_PUN what_DTQ was_VBD I_PNP ?_SENT An_AT0 actress_NN1 ?_SENT A_AT0 fundraiser_NN1 ?_SENT Did_VDD I_PNP matter_VVI ?_SENT Was_VBD the_AT0 assessment_NN1 of_PRF me_PNP true_AJ0 ?_SENT Was_VBD I_PNP not_XX0 really_AV0 worth_PRP as_CJS much_AV0 as_CJS a_AT0 man_NN1 with_PRP the_AT0 same_DT0 accomplishments_NN2 ?_SENT 
I_PNP had_VHD grown_VVN up_AVP with_PRP parents_NN2 who_PNQ loved_VVD each_DT0 other_NN1 more_AV0 than_CJS they_PNP were_VBD interested_AJ0 in_PRP their_DPS kids_NN2 ._SENT Parents_NN2 who_PNQ we_PNP would_VM0 find_VVI necking_VVG on_PRP the_AT0 sofa_NN1 when_CJS we_PNP came_VVD in_AVP from_PRP playing_VVG ._SENT I_PNP grew_VVD up_AVP with_PRP parents_NN2 who_PNQ still_AV0 danced_VVD in_PRP the_AT0 yard_NN1 after_PRP fifty_CRD years_NN2 of_PRF marriage_NN1 ,_PUN as_CJS if_CJS they_PNP were_VBD alone_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD not_XX0 aware_AJ0 that_CJT there_EX0 were_VBD people_NN0 who_PNQ just_AV0 did_VDD n't_XX0 love_VVI their_DPS spouses_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP believed_VVD that_CJT even_AV0 divorced_AJ0 people_NN0 struggled_VVN with_PRP those_DT0 big_AJ0 decisions_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD swimming_VVG in_PRP quicksand_NN1 ,_PUN losing_VVG all_DT0 points_NN2 of_PRF reference_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP can_VM0 tell_VVI you_PNP this_DT0 :_PUN when_CJS I_PNP failed_VVD at_PRP the_AT0 thing_NN1 I_PNP left_VVD everything_PNI behind_AV0 for_PRP —_PUN the_AT0 thing_NN1 I_PNP saw_VVD growing_VVG up_AVP ,_PUN the_AT0 real_AJ0 kind_NN1 of_PRF love_NN1 that_CJT matters_VVZ —_PUN I_PNP had_VHD nothing_PNI left_VVN within_PRP to_TO0 find_VVI me_PNP ._SENT 
Weighed_VVD down_AVP by_PRP this_DT0 new_AJ0 knowledge_NN1 ,_PUN this_DT0 failure_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP 'd_VHD walked_VVN down_AVP the_AT0 hall_NN1 and_CJC into_PRP the_AT0 TV_NN1 room_NN1 ,_PUN past_PRP the_AT0 sofas_NN2 and_CJC toward_PRP the_AT0 window_NN1 ,_PUN wanting_VVG to_TO0 look_VVI out_AVP at_PRP the_AT0 garden_NN1 ,_PUN where_CJS I_PNP had_VHD buried_VVN the_AT0 ultrasound_NN1 pictures_NN2 of_PRF my_DPS miscarried_AJ0 children_NN2 under_PRP the_AT0 magnolia_NN1 saplings_NN2 (_PUL ones_NN2 that_CJT would_VM0 bloom_VVI with_PRP no_AT0 scent_NN1 )_PUR ,_PUN which_DTQ seemed_VVD to_TO0 be_VBI doing_VDG so_AV0 well_AV0 ._SENT Without_PRP warning_NN1 ,_PUN it_PNP was_VBD as_CJS if_CJS Zeus_NP0 himself_PNX hurled_VVD a_AT0 bolt_NN1 of_PRF lightning_NN1 directly_AV0 under_PRP the_AT0 back_AJ0 right-hand_AJ0 side_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS head_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD airborne_AJ0 ,_PUN flying_VVG over_PRP the_AT0 back_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 sofa_NN1 ,_PUN smashing_VVG into_PRP the_AT0 coffee_NN1 table_NN1 ,_PUN telephone_NN1 ,_PUN tablets_NN2 ,_PUN pens_NN2 ,_PUN papers_NN2 ,_PUN remotes_NN2 ,_PUN pillows_NN2 ,_PUN the_AT0 sofas_NN2 themselves_PNX going_VVG this_DT0 way_NN1 and_CJC that_CJT as_CJS my_DPS head_NN1 bounced_VVD off_AVP the_AT0 floor_NN1 ,_PUN bearing_VVG the_AT0 brunt_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS fall_NN1 ._SENT 
Haunted_VVN by_PRP memories_NN2 ,_PUN I_PNP lay_VVD there_AV0 for_PRP what_DTQ seemed_VVD a_AT0 long_AJ0 time_NN1 ,_PUN time_NN1 itself_PNX floating_VVG by_PRP while_CJS I_PNP was_VBD fascinated_VVN with_PRP the_AT0 fibers_NN2 in_PRP the_AT0 rug_NN1 ,_PUN the_AT0 lack_NN1 of_PRF color_NN1 in_PRP the_AT0 room_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC ultimately_AV0 grateful_AJ0 for_PRP my_DPS aloneness_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP think_VVB I_PNP slept_VVD there_AV0 ,_PUN or_CJC blacked_VVD out_AVP there_AV0 ._SENT 
Thankfully_AV0 ,_PUN there_EX0 was_VBD a_AT0 group_NN1 of_PRF three_CRD young_AJ0 ,_PUN local_AJ0 San_NP0 Francisco_NP0 –_PUN based_VVN Irish_AJ0 nannies_NN2 who_PNQ rotated_VVD coming_VVG in_AVP to_TO0 help_VVI with_PRP my_DPS son_NN1 ,_PUN Roan_NN1 ,_PUN who_PNQ I_PNP had_VHD only_AV0 recently_AV0 adopted_VVN ,_PUN and_CJC who_PNQ was_VBD very_AV0 young_AJ0 at_PRP the_AT0 time_NN1 ,_PUN just_AV0 a_AT0 wee_AJ0 babe_NN1 ._SENT While_CJS deliriously_AV0 happy_AJ0 to_TO0 finally_AV0 become_VVI a_AT0 parent_NN1 ,_PUN already_AV0 having_VHG lost_VVN three_CRD five-and-a-half-month_AJ0 pregnancies_NN2 ,_PUN I_PNP was_VBD old_AJ0 to_TO0 be_VBI a_AT0 new_AJ0 mom_NN1 ,_PUN already_AV0 past_PRP forty_CRD ,_PUN and_CJC sure_AV0 I_PNP did_VDD n't_XX0 know_VVI much_DT0 of_PRF anything_PNI at_PRP all_DT0 about_PRP parenting_NN1 ._SENT 
During_PRP the_AT0 next_ORD few_DT0 days_NN2 ,_PUN I_PNP wandered_VVD ._SENT At_PRP some_DT0 point_NN1 I_PNP got_VVD into_PRP my_DPS convertible_NN1 and_CJC attempted_VVD to_TO0 drive_VVI myself_PNX to_PRP the_AT0 hospital_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD no_AT0 idea_NN1 where_AVQ I_PNP was_VBD ,_PUN and_CJC found_VVD myself_PNX at_PRP a_AT0 stop_NN1 sign_NN1 ,_PUN my_DPS right_AJ0 foot_NN1 totally_AV0 numb_AJ0 ,_PUN the_AT0 numbness_NN1 creeping_VVG up_AVP my_DPS leg_NN1 ,_PUN as_CJS I_PNP looked_VVD up_AVP at_PRP the_AT0 trees_NN2 ,_PUN heard_VVD words_NN2 from_PRP the_AT0 radio_NN1 ,_PUN thought_VVD ,_PUN Oh_ITJ ,_PUN I_PNP must_VM0 have_VHI anthrax_NN1 poisoning_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC felt_VVD tears_NN2 running_VVG down_AVP my_DPS face_NN1 ,_PUN as_CJS this_DT0 was_VBD just_AV0 two_CRD weeks_NN2 after_PRP 9_CRD /_PUN 11._CRD Fortunately_AV0 someone_PNI pulled_VVD up_AVP beside_PRP me_PNP and_CJC offered_VVD to_TO0 help_VVI me_PNP ,_PUN guiding_AJ0 me_PNP home_AV0 and_CJC taking_VVG me_PNP into_PRP my_DPS house_NN1 ._SENT Where_CJS I_PNP just_AV0 sat_VVD at_PRP the_AT0 dining_NN1 room_NN1 table_NN1 ,_PUN telling_VVG our_DPS nanny_NN1 I_PNP had_VHD a_AT0 terrible_AJ0 pain_NN1 in_PRP my_DPS head_NN1 ._SENT She_PNP told_VVD me_PNP to_TO0 take_VVI some_DT0 aspirin_NN0 ,_PUN which_DTQ may_VM0 have_VHI saved_VVN my_DPS life_NN1 ._SENT 
The_AT0 next_ORD morning_NN1 I_PNP started_VVD to_TO0 lose_VVI body_NN1 temperature_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP took_VVD a_AT0 down_AVP comforter_NN1 into_PRP the_AT0 yard_NN1 and_CJC tried_VVD to_TO0 feel_VVI the_AT0 sun_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP could_VM0 n't_XX0 get_VVI warm_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP went_VVD upstairs_AV0 and_CJC lay_VVD on_PRP my_DPS heated_AJ0 bathroom_NN1 floor_NN1 ._SENT The_AT0 phone_NN1 rang_VVD ;_PUN someone_PNI stepped_VVD over_PRP me_PNP ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD holding_VVG a_AT0 space_NN1 outside_PRP and_CJC above_PRP my_DPS head_NN1 where_CJS I_PNP thought_VVD the_AT0 pain_NN1 was_VBD ,_PUN talking_VVG to_PRP myself_PNX while_CJS crying_VVG and_CJC moaning_VVG ._SENT 
Thankfully_AV0 ,_PUN the_AT0 speakerphone_NN1 was_VBD on_AVP ;_PUN it_PNP was_VBD Mimi_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP tried_VVD to_TO0 holler_VVI but_CJC croaked_VVD out_AVP instead_AV0 ,_PUN "_PUQ Mimi_NP0 ,_PUN help_VVB me_PNP ._SENT "_PUQ 
She_PNP insisted_VVD an_AT0 ambulance_NN1 be_VBI called_VVN ._SENT 
Instead_AV0 there_EX0 was_VBD a_AT0 call_NN1 to_PRP my_DPS gynecologist_NN1 ;_PUN I_PNP guess_VVB that_DT0 's_VBZ what_DTQ some_DT0 people_NN0 always_AV0 think_VVB is_VBZ wrong_AJ0 with_PRP women_NN2 :_PUN "_PUQ Must_VM0 be_VBI her_DPS lady_NN1 parts_NN2 ._SENT "_PUQ 
