I_PNP 'd_VHD written_VVN about_PRP my_DPS mother_NN1 ,_PUN a_AT0 memoir_NN1 of_PRF our_DPS lives_NN2 together_AV0 ._SENT She_PNP was_VBD a_AT0 terrible_AJ0 alcoholic_NN1 ._SENT The_AT0 manuscript_NN1 felt_VVD like_PRP a_AT0 betrayal_NN1 ._SENT It_PNP was_VBD April_NP0 ,_PUN 2006._CRD I_PNP was_VBD sick_AJ0 with_PRP suicide_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP let_VVB myself_PNX hang_VVB from_PRP the_AT0 fire_NN1 escape_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC almost_AV0 fell_VVD from_PRP the_AT0 roof_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS building_NN1 ._SENT My_DPS girlfriend_NN1 ,_PUN Regan_NP0 ,_PUN was_VBD exhausted_VVN from_PRP the_AT0 months_NN2 of_PRF my_DPS decline_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP 'd_VHD only_AV0 got_VVN worse_AJC and_CJC worse_AJC ,_PUN until_CJS ,_PUN finally_AV0 ,_PUN my_DPS doctor_NN1 told_VVD me_PNP that_CJT I_PNP would_VM0 die_VVI if_CJS I_PNP stayed_VVD out_AVP of_PRF the_AT0 hospital_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP 'd_VHD already_AV0 had_VHN one_CRD trip_NN1 ,_PUN after_PRP the_AT0 day_NN1 on_PRP the_AT0 roof_NN1 ,_PUN to_PRP a_AT0 hospital_NN1 in_PRP Brooklyn_NP0 ,_PUN but_CJC I_PNP had_VHD talked_VVN my_DPS way_NN1 out_AVP ,_PUN and_CJC now_AV0 five_CRD weeks_NN2 had_VHD passed_VVN ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD taking_VVG the_AT0 sedative_AJ0 Klonopin_NN1 ,_PUN but_CJC no_AT0 antidepressant_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP did_VDD n't_XX0 want_VVI to_TO0 die_VVI ._SENT My_DPS friend_NN1 Anne_NP0 was_VBD a_AT0 psychiatrist_NN1 at_PRP Columbia_NP0 Presbyterian_NN1 ,_PUN way_NN1 uptown_AV0 ;_PUN she_PNP worked_VVD in_PRP the_AT0 psych_NN1 emergency_NN1 room_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC she_PNP insisted_VVD that_CJT I_PNP come_VVB there_AV0 ,_PUN that_CJT they_PNP would_VM0 take_VVI care_NN1 of_PRF me_PNP ._SENT One_CRD day_NN1 in_PRP early_AJ0 May_NP0 ,_PUN I_PNP called_VVD a_AT0 car_NN1 and_CJC rode_VVD uptown_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP did_VDD n't_XX0 take_VVI much_AV0 with_PRP me_PNP ._SENT It_PNP was_VBD a_AT0 sunny_AJ0 ,_PUN clear_AJ0 day_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC I_PNP could_VM0 see_VVI the_AT0 George_NP0 Washington_NP0 Bridge_NP0 in_PRP the_AT0 distance_NN1 ._SENT The_AT0 car_NN1 stopped_VVN in_PRP front_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 E.R._NP0 ,_PUN and_CJC I_PNP got_VVD out_AVP and_CJC stumbled_VVD in_AVP ._SENT 
In_PRP the_AT0 waiting_AJ0 room_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP sat_VVD bowed_VVD over_AVP ,_PUN my_DPS head_NN1 in_PRP my_DPS hands_NN2 and_CJC my_DPS elbows_NN2 on_PRP my_DPS knees_NN2 ._SENT Eventually_AV0 ,_PUN a_AT0 nurse_NN1 came_VVD and_CJC led_VVD me_PNP to_PRP a_AT0 wooden_AJ0 door_NN1 that_CJT had_VHD a_AT0 police_NN2 officer_NN1 standing_VVG beside_PRP it_PNP ._SENT This_DT0 was_VBD the_AT0 entrance_NN1 to_PRP the_AT0 psychiatric_AJ0 emergency_NN1 room_NN1 ._SENT The_AT0 police_NN2 officer_NN1 knocked_VVD on_PRP the_AT0 door_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC a_AT0 second_ORD police_NN2 officer_NN1 ,_PUN waiting_VVG inside_AV0 ,_PUN opened_VVD it_PNP ._SENT 
The_AT0 psych_NN1 E.R._NP0 was_VBD n't_XX0 a_AT0 big_AJ0 space_NN1 ._SENT There_EX0 was_VBD a_AT0 reception_NN1 desk_NN1 ,_PUN an_AT0 area_NN1 with_PRP five_CRD or_CJC six_CRD cots_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC a_AT0 few_DT0 private_AJ0 rooms_NN2 ._SENT One_PNI was_VBD mine_PNP ._SENT It_PNP had_VHD a_AT0 small_AJ0 ,_PUN hard_AJ0 bed_NN1 ._SENT Anne_NP0 was_VBD on_PRP duty_NN1 ._SENT She_PNP told_VVD me_PNP that_CJT she_PNP was_VBD glad_AJ0 I_PNP was_VBD there_AV0 ,_PUN but_CJC that_CJT it_PNP might_VM0 take_VVI a_AT0 few_DT0 days_NN2 to_TO0 get_VVI me_PNP a_AT0 room_NN1 on_PRP the_AT0 ward_NN1 ._SENT Then_AV0 Regan_NP0 arrived_VVD ._SENT She_PNP sat_VVD with_PRP me_PNP while_CJS I_PNP signed_VVD the_AT0 papers_NN2 granting_VVG the_AT0 hospital_NN1 the_AT0 right_NN1 to_TO0 hold_VVI me_PNP ,_PUN even_AV0 against_PRP my_DPS wishes_NN2 ,_PUN should_VM0 it_PNP prove_VVI necessary_AJ0 for_PRP my_DPS safety_NN1 or_CJC for_PRP the_AT0 safety_NN1 of_PRF others_NN2 ._SENT Then_AV0 it_PNP was_VBD time_NN1 for_PRP her_PNP to_TO0 go_VVI ._SENT I_PNP curled_VVD up_AVP on_PRP the_AT0 bed_NN1 ._SENT 
There_EX0 was_VBD always_AV0 a_AT0 police_NN2 officer_NN1 nearby_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP wore_VVD a_AT0 hospital_NN1 gown_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP ate_VVD the_AT0 food_NN1 ,_PUN swallowed_VVD the_AT0 pills_NN2 ,_PUN slept_VVD ,_PUN and_CJC waited_VVD for_PRP a_AT0 bed_NN1 on_PRP the_AT0 ward_NN1 ._SENT 
That_DT0 first_ORD night_NN1 ,_PUN people_NN0 came_VVD ._SENT It_PNP was_VBD the_AT0 middle_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 night_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD deep_AV0 asleep_AJ0 ._SENT Hands_NN2 and_CJC arms_NN2 lifted_VVD my_DPS body_NN1 from_PRP the_AT0 bed_NN1 ._SENT Then_AV0 I_PNP was_VBD going_VVG somewhere_AV0 ,_PUN moving_VVG through_PRP hallways_NN2 ._SENT Was_VBD I_PNP in_PRP a_AT0 wheelchair_NN1 ?_SENT Sometimes_AV0 my_DPS eyes_NN2 were_VBD open_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP heard_VVD voices_NN2 and_CJC machine_NN1 noises_NN2 ._SENT Someone_PNI said_VVD ,_PUN "_PUQ He_PNP can_VM0 go_VVI back_AVP now_AV0 ._SENT "_PUQ I_PNP learned_VVD in_PRP the_AT0 morning_NN1 that_CJT I_PNP 'd_VHD had_VHN a_AT0 CT_NN1 scan_NN1 ._SENT 
Monday_NP0 morning_NN1 ,_PUN after_PRP three_CRD nights_NN2 in_PRP the_AT0 E.R._NP0 ,_PUN Anne_NP0 told_VVD me_PNP that_CJT a_AT0 room_NN1 had_VHD come_VVN free_AJ0 ,_PUN and_CJC a_AT0 while_NN1 later_AV0 a_AT0 man_NN1 arrived_VVD with_PRP a_AT0 wheelchair_NN1 and_CJC pushed_VVD me_PNP through_PRP the_AT0 hospital_NN1 ._SENT We_PNP went_VVD up_AVP in_PRP an_AT0 elevator_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC then_AV0 across_PRP a_AT0 skywalk_NN1 to_PRP another_DT0 building_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC from_PRP that_DT0 building_NN1 across_PRP another_DT0 skywalk_NN1 to_PRP the_AT0 New_AJ0 York_NP0 State_NN1 Psychiatric_AJ0 Institute_NN1 ,_PUN a_AT0 place_NN1 I_PNP 'd_VHD never_AV0 heard_VVN of_PRF ._SENT We_PNP went_VVD into_PRP an_AT0 elevator_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC got_VVD off_AVP on_PRP the_AT0 fifth_ORD floor_NN1 ._SENT At_PRP the_AT0 end_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 hallway_NN1 was_VBD a_AT0 door_NN1 ._SENT The_AT0 door_NN1 was_VBD made_VVN of_PRF steel_NN1 and_CJC had_VHD a_AT0 small_AJ0 window_NN1 ._SENT A_AT0 nurse_NN1 inside_AV0 unlocked_VVD the_AT0 door_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC the_AT0 man_NN1 rolled_VVD me_PNP onto_PRP the_AT0 ward_NN1 ._SENT He_PNP held_VVD out_AVP papers_NN2 for_PRP the_AT0 head_NN1 nurse_NN1 ,_PUN whom_PNQ I_PNP would_VM0 come_VVI to_TO0 know_VVI as_PRP Nurse_NN1 D_ZZ0 ._SENT 
I_PNP stood_VVD up_AVP ,_PUN and_CJC Nurse_NN1 D_ZZ0 ._SENT showed_VVD me_PNP around_AVP ._SENT She_PNP showed_VVD me_PNP the_AT0 nurses_NN2 '_POS station_NN1 ;_PUN the_AT0 medication_NN1 dispensary_NN1 ;_PUN the_AT0 activity_NN1 rooms_NN2 ;_PUN the_AT0 dining_NN1 room_NN1 ;_PUN a_AT0 little_AJ0 gym_NN1 with_PRP a_AT0 stationary_AJ0 bike_NN1 ;_PUN the_AT0 telephones_NN2 ;_PUN a_AT0 quiet_AJ0 room_NN1 ,_PUN which_DTQ was_VBD empty_AJ0 except_CJS for_PRP a_AT0 mattress_NN1 on_PRP the_AT0 floor_NN1 ,_PUN where_AVQ patients_NN2 could_VM0 cry_VVI or_CJC rest_VVI undisturbed_AJ0 ;_PUN the_AT0 medical-examination_NN1 room_NN1 ;_PUN and_CJC the_AT0 patients_NN2 '_POS common_AJ0 room¡ªeverything_NN1 except_PRP the_AT0 bedrooms_NN2 ,_PUN which_DTQ were_VBD down_PRP a_AT0 hallway_NN1 that_CJT was_VBD locked_VVN in_PRP the_AT0 morning_NN1 and_CJC kept_VVD locked_AJ0 until_CJS after_PRP dinner_NN1 ._SENT We_PNP were_VBD not_XX0 allowed_VVN to_TO0 linger_VVI in_PRP our_DPS beds_NN2 ._SENT The_AT0 common_AJ0 room_NN1 was_VBD furnished_VVN with_PRP sofas_NN2 and_CJC chairs_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC a_AT0 television_NN1 that_CJT blared_VVD ,_PUN and_CJC a_AT0 computer_NN1 for_PRP patients_NN2 '_POS use_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP spent_VVD many_DT0 days_NN2 lying_VVG on_PRP a_AT0 sofa_NN1 there_AV0 ._SENT I_PNP had_VHD a_AT0 black_AJ0 canvas_NN1 bag_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC every_AT0 day_NN1 I_PNP used_VVD it_PNP to_TO0 carry_VVI personal_AJ0 items¡ªa_NN1 sweater_NN1 for_PRP when_AVQ the_AT0 air-conditioning_NN1 got_VVD too_AV0 cold_AJ0 ,_PUN a_AT0 toothbrush_NN1 and_CJC toothpaste_NN1 for_PRP when_AVQ my_DPS mouth_NN1 got_VVD dry_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP also_AV0 used_VVD the_AT0 bag_NN1 as_PRP my_DPS pillow_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP took_VVD off_AVP my_DPS glasses_NN2 and_CJC put_VVB them_PNP on_PRP a_AT0 table_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC then_AV0 stretched_VVD out_AVP on_PRP a_AT0 sofa_NN1 and_CJC tried_VVD to_TO0 sleep_VVI ._SENT Every_AT0 twenty_CRD minutes_NN2 ,_PUN throughout_PRP the_AT0 day_NN1 and_CJC night_NN1 ,_PUN a_AT0 nurse_NN1 counted_VVD us_PNP ,_PUN all_DT0 the_AT0 patients_NN2 ,_PUN noting_VVG our_DPS locations_NN2 ,_PUN checking_VVG on_PRP us_PNP ._SENT Were_VBD we_PNP safe_AJ0 ?_SENT 
There_EX0 were_VBD several_DT0 wards_NN2 at_PRP the_AT0 institute_NN1 ,_PUN one_PNI dedicated_VVN to_PRP schizophrenia_NN1 and_CJC other_AJ0 strong_AJ0 psychotic_AJ0 illnesses_NN2 ,_PUN another_DT0 for_PRP residents_NN2 of_PRF the_AT0 surrounding_AJ0 neighborhood_NN1 ,_PUN another_DT0 for_PRP children_NN2 and_CJC adolescents_NN2 ._SENT The_AT0 ward_NN1 that_CJT I_PNP was_VBD on_AVP was_VBD called_VVN the_AT0 General_AJ0 Clinical_AJ0 Research_NN1 Unit_NN1 ,_PUN or_CJC G.C.R.U._NP0 Many_DT0 of_PRF the_AT0 patients_NN2 there_AV0 had_VHD volunteered_VVN for_PRP clinical_AJ0 trials_NN2 of_PRF new_AJ0 treatments_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD not_XX0 on_PRP a_AT0 research_NN1 protocol_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD a_AT0 clinical_AJ0 patient_NN1 ,_PUN admitted_VVD because_CJS I_PNP was_VBD in_PRP need_NN1 ._SENT There_EX0 were_VBD a_AT0 handful_NN1 of_PRF us_PNP with_PRP clinical_AJ0 status_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC we_PNP became_VVD a_AT0 circle_NN1 within_PRP the_AT0 larger_AJC group_NN1 ,_PUN wishing_VVG one_CRD another_DT0 well_AV0 ,_PUN consoling_VVG ,_PUN hoping_VVG for_PRP happy_AJ0 outcomes_NN2 ,_PUN saying_VVG good_AJ0 luck_NN1 when_CJS it_PNP was_VBD time_NN1 for_PRP one_CRD of_PRF us_PNP to_TO0 be_VBI discharged_VVN ,_PUN good_AJ0 luck_NN1 ,_PUN good_AJ0 luck_NN1 out_AVP in_PRP the_AT0 world_NN1 ._SENT 
I_PNP recall_VVB a_AT0 woman_NN1 in_PRP her_DPS twenties_CRD called_VVD Sarah_NP0 ._SENT (_PUL I_PNP have_VHB changed_VVN the_AT0 names_NN2 of_PRF the_AT0 patients_NN2 mentioned_VVD here_AV0 ._SENT )_PUR She_PNP seemed_VVD listless_AJ0 and_CJC enervated_AJ0 ,_PUN and_CJC often_AV0 sat_VVD without_PRP moving_VVG ._SENT She_PNP spoke_VVD in_PRP a_AT0 monotone_NN1 whisper_NN1 ._SENT She_PNP confided_VVD that_CJT she_PNP had_VHD survived_VVN suicide_NN1 several_DT0 times_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC had_VHD been_VBN in_AVP and_CJC out_AVP of_PRF hospitals_NN2 since_PRP her_DPS parents_NN2 had_VHD divorced_VVN ,_PUN when_CJS she_PNP was_VBD twelve_CRD ._SENT I_PNP do_VDB n't_XX0 recall_VVI anyone_PNI visiting_VVG her_PNP except_PRP her_DPS father_NN1 ,_PUN who_PNQ sat_VVD and_CJC played_VVD board_NN1 games_NN2 with_PRP her_PNP ,_PUN hunched_VVN over_PRP the_AT0 table_NN1 ._SENT 
And_CJC there_EX0 was_VBD Kathy_NP0 ,_PUN who_PNQ was_VBD my_DPS age_NN1 and_CJC single_AJ0 and_CJC lived_VVD on_PRP disability_NN1 assistance_NN1 ._SENT She_PNP ,_PUN too_AV0 ,_PUN had_VHD few_DT0 visitors_NN2 ._SENT She_PNP and_CJC I_PNP often_AV0 sat_VVD together_AV0 ._SENT Her_DPS conversation_NN1 was_VBD limited_VVN to_PRP illness_NN1 and_CJC its_DPS consequences_NN2 ._SENT She_PNP frightened_VVD me_PNP ;_PUN they_PNP all_AV0 did_VDD ,_PUN with_PRP their_DPS stories_NN2 of_PRF past_AJ0 admissions_NN2 ,_PUN drug_NN1 loads_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC side_NN1 effects_NN2 ,_PUN their_DPS perilous_AJ0 lives_NN2 ._SENT Would_VM0 I_PNP become_VVI one_CRD of_PRF them_PNP ?_SENT Did_VDD I_PNP belong_VVI among_PRP them_PNP ?_SENT 
My_DPS doctor_NN1 was_VBD Dr._NP0 A_ZZ0 ._SENT He_PNP was_VBD in_PRP his_DPS mid-thirties_CRD ._SENT He_PNP wore_VVD a_AT0 tie_NN1 and_CJC a_AT0 white_AJ0 coat_NN1 and_CJC was_VBD always_AV0 harried_VVN ._SENT He_PNP told_VVD me_PNP that_CJT a_AT0 whole_AJ0 team_NN1 would_VM0 take_VVI up_AVP my_DPS care¡ªdoctors_NN2 ,_PUN nurses_NN2 ,_PUN psychiatry_NN1 residents_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC social_AJ0 workers_NN2 ._SENT He_PNP promised_VVD that_CJT they_PNP would_VM0 get_VVI me_PNP better_AV0 ,_PUN that_CJT they_PNP would_VM0 n't_XX0 give_VVI up_AVP ,_PUN and_CJC that_CJT I_PNP would_VM0 be_VBI safe_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP sat_VVD in_PRP the_AT0 common_AJ0 room_NN1 and_CJC gazed_VVD out_AVP at_PRP the_AT0 Hudson_NP0 ._SENT The_AT0 sun_NN1 was_VBD setting_VVG over_PRP New_NP0 Jersey_NP0 ,_PUN and_CJC the_AT0 river_NN1 shone_VVD in_PRP the_AT0 light_NN1 ._SENT It_PNP was_VBD evening_NN1 ._SENT Regan_NP0 had_VHD come_VVN for_PRP visiting_AJ0 hours_NN2 ._SENT She_PNP 'd_VHD brought_VVN toiletries_NN2 and_CJC clothes¡ªpants_NN2 and_CJC shirts_NN2 ,_PUN underwear_NN1 and_CJC socks_NN2 ._SENT Nurse_NN1 D_ZZ0 ._SENT separated_VVN the_AT0 things_NN2 that_CJT I_PNP could_VM0 keep_VVI in_PRP my_DPS room_NN1 from_PRP the_AT0 things_NN2 that_CJT I_PNP could_VM0 n't_XX0 ._SENT What_DTQ I_PNP could_VM0 n't_XX0 keep¡ªlike_AJ0 my_DPS razor¡ªshe_NN1 locked_VVD away_AV0 ._SENT 
I_PNP would_VM0 n't_XX0 have_VHI used_VVN it_PNP ,_PUN I_PNP might_VM0 have_VHI told_VVN her_PNP ,_PUN not_XX0 for_PRP suicide_NN1 ,_PUN not_XX0 in_PRP those_DT0 first_ORD days_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP felt_VVD relief_NN1 once_CJS I_PNP had_VHD finally_AV0 arrived_VVN on_PRP the_AT0 ward_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC even_AV0 anticipation_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD out_AVP of_PRF immediate_AJ0 danger_NN1 ,_PUN out_AVP of_PRF harm_NN1 's_POS way_NN1 ,_PUN as_CJS we_PNP put_VVB it¡ªmy_AJ0 own_DT0 harm_NN1 to_PRP myself_PNX ._SENT I_PNP could_VM0 not_XX0 relax_VVI my_DPS muscles_NN2 ,_PUN or_CJC walk_VVB a_AT0 straight_AJ0 path_NN1 down_PRP the_AT0 hall_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP believed_VVD that_CJT my_DPS life_NN1 was_VBD ruined_VVN and_CJC that_CJT I_PNP would_VM0 be_VBI locked_VVN away_AV0 for_PRP a_AT0 long_AJ0 time_NN1 ,_PUN but_CJC I_PNP nonetheless_AV0 could_VM0 not_XX0 easily_AV0 die_VVI in_PRP the_AT0 hospital_NN1 ._SENT 
Maybe_AV0 you_PNP 've_VHB spent_VVN some_DT0 time_NN1 trying_VVG every_AT0 day_NN1 not_XX0 to_TO0 die_VVI ,_PUN out_AVP on_PRP your_DPS own_DT0 somewhere_AV0 ._SENT Maybe_AV0 that_DT0 effort_NN1 has_VHZ become_VVN your_DPS work_NN1 in_PRP life_NN1 ._SENT Perhaps_AV0 there_EX0 is_VBZ help_NN1 from_PRP family_NN1 and_CJC friends_NN2 ,_PUN all_DT0 the_AT0 people_NN0 who_PNQ do_VDB n't_XX0 quite_AV0 understand_VVI that_CJT ,_PUN when_CJS you_PNP tell_VVB them_PNP they_PNP will_VM0 be_VBI better_AV0 off_AVP with_PRP you_PNP dead_AV0 ,_PUN you_PNP are_VBB speaking_VVG a_AT0 truth_NN1 ._SENT Maybe_AV0 you_PNP 're_VBB alone_AJ0 in_PRP a_AT0 room_NN1 ,_PUN lying_VVG on_PRP a_AT0 bed_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC your_DPS chest_NN1 is_VBZ tight_AJ0 and_CJC your_DPS breathing_NN1 shallow_AJ0 ;_PUN you_PNP feel_VVB afraid_AJ0 to_TO0 move_VVI ;_PUN you_PNP sleep_VVB two_CRD or_CJC three_CRD hours_NN2 each_DT0 night_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC then_AV0 wake_VVB up_AVP in_PRP fear_NN1 ._SENT Maybe_AV0 you_PNP pace_VVB ._SENT Maybe_AV0 you_PNP keep_VVB pills_NN2 in_PRP a_AT0 jar_NN1 or_CJC a_AT0 drawer_NN1 ,_PUN or_CJC hidden_VVN behind_PRP a_AT0 box_NN1 in_PRP the_AT0 closet_NN1 ._SENT Maybe_AV0 you_PNP 're_VBB afraid_AJ0 of_PRF the_AT0 hospital_NN1 ._SENT Who_PNQ is_VBZ n't_XX0 scared_AJ0 of_PRF the_AT0 hospital_NN1 ?_SENT We_PNP know_VVB ,_PUN or_CJC think_VVB we_PNP know_VVB ,_PUN its_DPS histories_NN2 of_PRF lobotomy_NN1 ,_PUN shock_NN1 therapy_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC mind-control_AJ0 experiments_NN2 ._SENT 
Shortly_AV0 after_CJS I_PNP was_VBD admitted_VVN to_PRP the_AT0 institute_NN1 ,_PUN after_PRP my_DPS team_NN1 had_VHD looked_VVN ,_PUN listened_VVD ,_PUN consoled_VVD ,_PUN questioned_VVD ,_PUN and_CJC taken_VVN notes_NN2 on_PRP me_PNP ,_PUN I_PNP began_VVD an_AT0 eight-week_AJ0 drug_NN1 trial_NN1 ._SENT The_AT0 drug_NN1 was_VBD nortriptyline_AJ0 ,_PUN an_AT0 older-generation_AJ0 medication_NN1 that_CJT affects_VVZ norepinephrine_NN1 and_CJC serotonin_NN1 levels_NN2 ,_PUN though_CJS not_XX0 as_AV0 effectively_AV0 as_CJS the_AT0 newer_AJC SSRIs_NN1 and_CJC SNRIs¡ªProzac_NN1 and_CJC Effexor_NN1 ,_PUN for_PRP instance¡ªwhich_NP0 I_PNP could_VM0 n't_XX0 take_VVI ._SENT 
Nortriptyline_NP0 did_VDD n't_XX0 work_VVI ._SENT Eight_CRD weeks_NN2 is_VBZ a_AT0 long_AJ0 time_NN1 to_TO0 sit_VVI getting_VVG worse_AJC in_PRP a_AT0 hospital_NN1 ._SENT Three_CRD times_NN2 each_DT0 week_NN1 ,_PUN I_PNP had_VHD psychotherapy_NN1 with_PRP Dr._NP0 A_ZZ0 ._SENT I_PNP begged_VVD him_PNP to_TO0 promise_VVI that_CJT I_PNP would_VM0 ride_VVI my_DPS bike_NN1 again_AV0 ,_PUN or_CJC write_VVB another_DT0 story_NN1 ,_PUN or_CJC survive_VVB the_AT0 loss_NN1 of_PRF my_DPS mother_NN1 ._SENT At_PRP the_AT0 end_NN1 of_PRF each_DT0 session_NN1 ,_PUN he_PNP asked_VVD me_PNP to_TO0 draw_VVI a_AT0 house_NN1 ._SENT My_DPS houses_NN2 were_VBD plain_AJ0 ;_PUN I_PNP ca_VM0 n't_XX0 draw_VVI ,_PUN but_CJC so_AV0 what_DTQ if_CJS the_AT0 walls_NN2 were_VBD crooked_AJ0 and_CJC the_AT0 windows_NN2 oblong_AJ0 ?_SENT No_ITJ one_PNI was_VBD ever_AV0 in_PRP those_DT0 houses_NN2 ,_PUN no_AT0 stickfigure_AJ0 family_NN1 ,_PUN no_AT0 mom_NN1 ,_PUN no_AT0 dad_NN1 ._SENT My_DPS feeling_NN1 that_CJT I_PNP would_VM0 die_VVI ,_PUN or_CJC that_CJT I_PNP would_VM0 at_PRP least_AV0 never_AV0 live_VVB outside_PRP an_AT0 institution_NN1 ,_PUN grew_VVD stronger_AJC ,_PUN and_CJC I_PNP became_VVD convinced_AJ0 that_CJT I_PNP was_VBD in_PRP the_AT0 wrong_AJ0 hospital_NN1 ,_PUN that_CJT I_PNP was_VBD sick_AJ0 in_PRP my_DPS body_NN1 ,_PUN not_XX0 in_PRP my_DPS head_NN1 ._SENT 
"_PUQ I_PNP feel_VVB sick_AJ0 all_DT0 over_AVP ,_PUN "_PUQ I_PNP told_VVD Regan_NP0 ._SENT 
Some_DT0 days_NN2 I_PNP wept_VVD in_PRP the_AT0 quiet_AJ0 room_NN1 ;_PUN on_PRP other_AJ0 days_NN2 ,_PUN I_PNP wept_VVD to_PRP friends_NN2 on_PRP the_AT0 pay_NN1 phone_NN1 ,_PUN or_CJC talked_VVD to_PRP the_AT0 nurses_NN2 ,_PUN or_CJC looked_VVD at_PRP the_AT0 computer_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP wrote_VVD short_AJ0 notes_NN2 to_PRP my_DPS friends¡ªterrors_NN2 and_CJC updates_NN2 ._SENT I_PNP stretched_VVD out_AVP on_PRP a_AT0 sofa_NN1 and_CJC waited_VVD for_PRP the_AT0 meds_NN2 to_TO0 calm_VVI me_PNP enough_AV0 that_CJT I_PNP could_VM0 watch_VVI the_AT0 news_NN1 or_CJC read_VVB a_AT0 book_NN1 from_PRP the_AT0 patient_NN1 library_NN1 ,_PUN a_AT0 room_NN1 right_AV0 outside_PRP the_AT0 locked_AJ0 doors_NN2 of_PRF the_AT0 ward_NN1 ._SENT The_AT0 library_NN1 featured_VVD works_NN0 on_PRP psychiatry_NN1 as_CJS well_AV0 as_CJS paperback_NN1 novels_NN2 ,_PUN memoirs_NN2 ,_PUN and_CJC biographies_NN2 left_VVN by_PRP previous_AJ0 patients_NN2 ._SENT 
I_PNP could_VM0 n't_XX0 read_VVI much_AV0 ,_PUN though_AV0 ._SENT Moving_VVG my_DPS eyes_NN2 ,_PUN even_AV0 to_TO0 gaze_VVI around_AVP the_AT0 ward_NN1 ,_PUN was_VBD fatiguing_AJ0 and_CJC painful_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP took_VVD Ativan_NP0 ,_PUN a_AT0 sedative_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC Seroquel_NP0 ,_PUN an_AT0 antipsychotic_AJ0 ,_PUN when_CJS the_AT0 anxiety_NN1 was_VBD excruciating_AJ0 ._SENT The_AT0 anxiety_NN1 by_PRP now_AV0 had_VHD become_VVN less_AV0 a_AT0 matter_NN1 of_PRF shaking_VVG and_CJC trembling_VVG and_CJC more_AV0 a_AT0 kind_NN1 of_PRF buzzing_VVG in_PRP my_DPS chest_NN1 ._SENT Seroquel_NP0 made_VVD me_PNP sleepy_AJ0 ,_PUN but_CJC it_PNP did_VDD n't_XX0 put_VVI me_PNP to_TO0 sleep_VVI ._SENT I_PNP lay_VVD still_AV0 ,_PUN but_CJC I_PNP was_VBD n't_XX0 still¡ªI_AJ0 was_VBD vibrating_VVG ._SENT I_PNP was_VBD clumsy_AJ0 ._SENT I_PNP might_VM0 reach_VVI for_PRP a_AT0 cup_NN1 and_CJC knock_VVB it_PNP over_AVP with_PRP my_DPS hand_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP might_VM0 walk_VVI down_AVP the_AT0 middle_NN1 of_PRF the_AT0 hall_NN1 and_CJC find_VVB my_DPS shoulder_NN1 brushing_VVG against_PRP the_AT0 wall_NN1 ._SENT Sometimes_AV0 I_PNP lay_VVD like_PRP a_AT0 corpse_NN1 ,_PUN my_DPS arms_NN2 folded_VVD over_AVP my_DPS chest_NN1 ,_PUN just_AV0 as_CJS I_PNP had_VHD in_PRP the_AT0 months_NN2 before_CJS I_PNP was_VBD admitted_VVN to_PRP the_AT0 hospital_NN1 ,_PUN when_CJS I_PNP was_VBD preparing_VVG in_PRP earnest_NN1 for_PRP death_NN1 ._SENT I_PNP asked_VVD the_AT0 nurses_NN2 if_CJS I_PNP would_VM0 be_VBI all_AV0 right_AJ0 ._SENT Would_VM0 I_PNP make_VVI it_PNP ?_SENT I_PNP made_VVD the_AT0 effort_NN1 to_TO0 move_VVI my_DPS jaw_NN1 ,_PUN my_DPS mouth_NN1 and_CJC tongue_NN1 ._SENT Did_VDD the_AT0 others_NN2 on_PRP the_AT0 ward_NN1 feel_VVB as_AV0 scared_AJ0 as_CJS I_PNP did_VDD ?_SENT Were_VBD they_PNP afraid_AJ0 that_CJT they_PNP 'd_VM0 never_AV0 be_VBI well_AV0 ?_SENT 
Visitors_NN2 came_VVD after_PRP dinner_NN1 ,_PUN mothers_NN2 and_CJC fathers_NN2 ,_PUN brothers_NN2 and_CJC sisters_NN2 ,_PUN couples_NN2 and_CJC single_AJ0 friends_NN2 ._SENT The_AT0 nurse_NN1 let_VVB people_NN0 in_AVP ,_PUN locked_VVD the_AT0 door_NN1 ,_PUN and_CJC then_AV0 called_VVD our_DPS names_NN2 or_CJC came_VVD looking_VVG for_PRP us_PNP ._SENT All_DT0 guests_NN2 stopped_VVN at_PRP the_AT0 nurses_NN2 '_POS station_NN1 ,_PUN where_AVQ a_AT0 nurse_NN1 looked_VVD inside_PRP bags_NN2 and_CJC backpacks_NN2 ._SENT 
