Chapter 3
Unapologetically Top Shelf
"Love yourself first and everything falls into line." ¡ªLUCILLE BALL
My sophomore year in college I was a member of the dance team at Louisiana Tech University¡ªthe Regal Blues, as they are now called. I didn't have a car, so I would often ride with other girls from the squad or friends to and from football games that were off campus. One night I was in the back seat, and we were exhausted from cheering all night at the game. Our team had lost¡ªin fact we were commiserating on how they got beat like they stole something before eventually we fell silent and the radio filled the space. Something about the Brian McKnight song "Crazy Love" being played made me feel reflective. I looked up at the stars through the sunroof and instinctively thought, Somewhere out here in this world is my husband. Interestingly, I was not one of those college girls harping on her MRS degree. I wasn't one reading Black Bride magazine from cover to cover or who'd had my wedding dress picked out since age twelve. In fact, I was so focused on school I wasn't even interested in having a boyfriend. So it was such a random thought to me at the time¡ªit wasn't a reaction to anything that was being discussed in the car or something that had happened that day. But at that moment, I wondered what he was doing.
I didn't know it would take twenty years before I met him. I would go through a lot of peaks and valleys in my life over the course of the next two decades. But eventually I came to the conclusion that I knew who I wanted him to meet. How I chose to live my life now mattered because it was the version of me that he'd see when we first set eyes on each other. It would impact what I said during our first conversations. Would he meet a healed and whole Faith or an angry, depressed, crazed, unfulfilled me who had been dragged and wounded due to broken relationships? I didn't want to be a carbon copy of other women either. I wanted to be unique and distinctive. I wanted to know myself more and what I liked and what I didn't¡ªto understand my feelings about certain topics. Singlehood was not my curse, it was my time of preparation and evolution.
Around this time was when I began to internalize what it meant to be a high-value woman who attracts quality over quantity. If I wanted to be unique and distinctive, I had to do something unique and distinctive. I couldn't just show up to restaurants featured in movies hoping to see my idyllic love walk through the door on cue. Suddenly the "work" of love made sense: it starts long before you actually begin dating. What did it mean to be valuable? What did it mean to love the skin I'm in? What did it mean to find someone to share happiness¡ªnot make me happy? The more I could build up my high-value self, the more I would draw in someone of high value to share my life with.
Smart women don't settle in their careers, friendships, or even with their hairstylist, so why would we settle in love? When that thought set in, I began to truly understand that the journey to Forever Love would begin with Me. First, knowing that I deserved the best and then, secondly, defining what matters most to me. My journey to authentic love didn't start with finding the right person; it started with loving the person at the center of it all¡ªme¡ªand becoming my best version of myself.
Michelle Obama chose Becoming as the title of her memoir because she said it was reflective of her journey of becoming her. She emphasized how being intentional about learning at every step of her life path better prepared her for what was next. Preparation was the key.
If I wanted to do well on an exam in school, I studied. I didn't just show up with holy water to sprinkle on my papers hoping I'd get the answers through osmosis. If athletes want to win a game, they practice. They work out. They exercise. They eat food that fuels their stamina. They don't just show up at game time snacking on a two-piece spicy after binging Netflix all week saying, "Put me in, coach!"
Preparation dramatically increases your chances for success in every area you pursue in life, including your relationships. Finding or attracting the right person is great. But that's only part of the process. If you're not prepared for their presence in your life, it's all for naught.
How do you prepare? It starts with bringing a healthy you into the equation. You want to meet the right person, correct? You have a list of what you want? That's great. Your dream person likely does too. Would they be excited about meeting you? To prepare for the relationship you want, you must be as intentional about becoming the right person as you are about attracting the right person.
A healthy relationship is made up of two healthy people. I'm not talking about people who have it together all the time¡ªI'm referring to the ones who actively seek out their best selves and continue to work on becoming better all along the way.
People who work on becoming the best version of themselves understand:
If they know how to effectively communicate, it will be reflected in their relationships. If they know how to manage their emotions, it will show in their relationships. If they know how to create boundaries, it will show in who they choose to connect with. If they refuse to make someone else responsible for their happiness, their relationship will mirror that.
When you can see through healthy, healed, and whole eyes, you approach dating with a clearer vision. When your vision is clear, you create a path for better experiences and people to find you. It all starts with your preparation to become better.
How we speak to people, how we manage conflict, how we apologize, how we show compassion, how we sit in humility, and how we leave clothes on the floor, or dishes in the sink, or the toilet seat up will be the same whether it's in our own company or the company of someone else. This is why it is so important to become the right person to attract the right person.
So, I started becoming.
From this clarity came a calm resolve, and I was committed to holding out for exactly what I knew I wanted. Becoming takes time. It took time for me to figure out what that was, but eventually I became more confident in saying no to everything that wasn't that. No to not being made a priority. No to being ignored or not called back. No to not being cherished. No to insecurity. No to dimming my light so he doesn't feel threatened. No to disrespect. No to dishonesty. No to less than the best. No to counterfeit love.
And yes to honoring myself in becoming a high-value woman deserving of a high-value man.
A high-value woman holds herself in high regard and expects nothing less from her partner. Some call her bougie, but it's not about living an expensive lifestyle or having a self-aggrandizing attitude, but rather knowing that everything she does and everyone in her life serves an important purpose. She's not about being hard as nails or rigid or a "prude." She intrinsically knows her worth and uses that as her guiding light from which all her relationships will build.
The inner you that generates high-value love is the same place that attracts genuine love from others. If your inner source is unclear, your ability to attract high-value love is obscured. In order to bring light to that inner you, you will first need to learn how to give yourself what you are seeking.
Love creates more love.
The loving attract love.
When your own inner love light shines, you open yourself up to experience the beautiful wonder of a deep and powerful connection with another human being.
What else happens when you appreciate yourself for the high-value woman that you are? You start to attract high-value men who love women who know their worth. Becoming a high-value woman starts with appreciating the value in you.
Marsha kept seeing her boyfriend, Jay, constantly liking photos of Instagram models on social media and started feeling bad about herself. She started internalizing his likes as if they were indicative of deficiencies within herself. "I don't look like any of the women in the photos he likes. Maybe that's what he really prefers," she said to me. "He's settling for me." Marsha had gained twenty pounds during the pandemic and quarantine and wasn't feeling like her best self. Marsha, Marsha, Marsha. What I saw in front of me was a gorgeous woman¡ªfrom the inside out, impeccable style, the best curves. And she was falling into the social media un-reality trap. I told her, "Sis, the Instagram models don't even look like the Instagram models. Take those five filters off those pics and you couldn't pick 'em out of a lineup." We might as well start singing the theme song from Aladdin, "A Whole New World," because there are too many folks who are a whole different person without that airbrushing and manipulation. But even if that weren't the case, Marsha needed to know: comparison is the thief of joy.
First, I agreed with her that it was disrespectful for Jay to like photos of scantily clad women once she told him that she wasn't comfortable with it, but more than that¡ªMarsha had to stop defaulting to questioning her own self-worth over her boyfriend's Insta-happy fingers or the twenty pounds she wanted to lose. Even though she decided to end the relationship because she and Jay weren't on the same page, she knew she had some work to do. Often our triggers reveal the places we need to heal. As for Jay, it appears he also had a lesson to learn: often the grass is greener on the other side¡­ because it's fake.
Second, we're our own worst critics when it comes to our perceived flaws. So many of these negative inner conversations take a toll on our self-worth. It blocks the path to loving ourselves outrageously, like no one else could. If you're waiting to be prettier, thinner, richer, smarter to feel better about yourself and think that's when you'll attract a high-value partner, you're missing out on precious time and love in the now.
You'll never get to "perfect." Perfect is a race¡ªand as you run toward it, the finish line keeps moving farther away. You don't have to be perfect to be loved¡ªyou have to be you. A high-value woman knows this.
To become a high-value woman you have to nurture the relationship you have with yourself. Just like in any relationship, we don't expect that relationship to be the same from day to day. Most of us usually expect there to be ebbs and flows and changing seasons in our friendships, family relationships, and romantic interests, but the same is true for the relationship we have with ourselves. When you learn to love yourself, you have a lifelong romance that never fades or tires you. And when you know your self-worth, everyone else will know it too.
Here are some scenarios to show the difference between low-value and high-value self-worth.
Dating Scenario
Low-Value Response
High-Value Response
He won't commit.
Give him an ultimatum.
Pull away because he is holding up the line.
You're confused about where you stand.
Demand an answer.
Knowing that if you have to ask, you already know the answer.